Dear Dierdre: Can I divorce my mother?

DEAR DIERDRE: I am a 33 year old woman and have three children. My mother ignores her three grandchildren, never acknowledging the fact that they exist, eg. she ignores them in the street, never sends birthday cards, christmas cards, or even gives a damn.

Every opportunity she gets she puts them down, and when she does speak to them it is just to put their mum down. I have two sisters and one brother who between them have eight kids and I also have a great neice who is two years old, and all these kids are acknowledged by her which is obviously very upsetting for my children which therefore upsets me.

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis three years ago, and quite frankly you would think at a time like that in anyone's life their family would be giving support to that person, but not my so-called family they are all a set of low-life scum bags. So, CAN I DIVORCE MY MOTHER, if so, HOW? Caroline, via e-mail

DIERDRE SAYS: This is a very sad case. Sadly, most civilised countries frown upon such divorces. In the US, however, the position is somewhat more enlightened. Provided you have enough hard cash and a sharp attorney, anything is possible in the Land of the Free.

Indeed, who among us does not admire the Californian youth who divorced his parents because they did not provide him with "an adequate level of Nike trainers"? Admirable stuff.

For further information I suggest you read the US State Department's handy leaflet Justice for Hire: A litigant's guide to getting results. If, however, you find yourself a bit strapped for cash, you may find a "Colombian Divorce" more affordable. For around $50, a drug-addled teenage assassin from the slums of Bogotá will settle the matter — permanently. Good luck.

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DEAR DIERDRE: I've got myself into a bit of a fix. It all began when I called an emergency plumber to unblock the u-bend on the kitchen sink. I must admit that there was an instant attraction between us as our eyes met across a mountain of unwashed crockery. Within seconds we were ripping our clothes off in a frenzy of lust. We explored each others' bodies for what seemed like an age, and I worked my way down his magnificently-honed torso before grasping his throbbing plunger with both hands.

We had sex for hours and in every conceivable position, before finally working our way to the sofa. Sadly, as we reached the final, explosive, climax, a veritable tsunami of male ejaculate and steaming love juice gushed from my throbbing love hole, immediately staining the suede sofa.

My husband is due back from a conference tomorrow, and I don't know what to do. I've tried steaming, stain-busting mousse, and good, old-fashion scrubbing, all to no avail. To make matters worse, my husband is a highly-suspicious genetic profiler. If he decides to take a swab, the game's up. What on earth am I going to do? Brenda, Ealing

DIERDRE SAYS: Firstly, you must calm down and try to think straight. My first instinct is to suggest that you buy a new sofa and claim that the old one was quarantined by the Health and Safety Executive after contracting mange. However, given your husband's suspicious nature, he might check with the authorities.

A far better solution is to destroy the incriminating soft furnishing by burning the house down. It may seem drastic, but your marriage is at stake here. I'm sending you my leaflet Arson Basics: Burning issues for the would-be fireraiser. It should be of some help.

By the way, would you recommend your plumber friend? There's a terrible shortage of reliable and affordable tradesmen in this area.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest