I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Rockall product review: The Sparrow®

As web publishers, we are often asked: "Why does your otherwise excellent publication not carry some of those largely pointless product reviews of interest only to those who — having failed to attract a member of the opposite sex for the purpose of recreational intercourse — having nothing better to do with their evenings than sit in front of a computer screen masturbating over an empty pizza box?" A good point.

So, in order to more adequately cater for the onanistic techie nighthawks among our readers, we are pleased to present our first product review: the Sparrow®.

Fascinating Sparrow® facts

When God™ first released the Sparrow® there was only one variety marketed under the generic name Sparrow®. Later development of the ultra version — effectively a GTi model with alloys, tints and CD multichanger — designated the House Sparrow®, saw the original become the Tree Sparrow®. We contacted God™ via one of his representatives, Father Patrick O'Furniture, to ask why the Almighty chose to launch the House Sparrow® when its utilitarian arboreal predecessor seemed to have everything the modern consumer could want in a small, family-sized bird.

At first Father Pat seemed reluctant to share his boss's reasoning, but after we bribed him with private access to a neighbour's 8-year-old son for 20 minutes, he was more forthcoming. Apparently when the original Sparrow® was released there were no humans and consequently no houses. Seven million years would pass before the first mud hut alerted God™ to a potential gap in the market. The result was the House Sparrow®

Although it was hailed as a radical departure from traditional design paradigms at the time, the House Sparrow® has changed very little since. The question is this: can it still compete in today's 24/7 urban environment? And what, if any, are the principal design advantages over its tree-bound ancestor? We shall see.

Test Setup

• Bird table
• Bird food
• Stale bread
• Cat
• Dog
• Operative with sawn-off shotgun

Testing was done in the garden using an industry-standard bird table (£14.99, B&Q). We used a standard seed mix — mostly millet — as bait, plus around 10 per cent stale Kingsmill Luxury White loaf dried for two days on the kitchen counter. Testing took place on an overcast Friday afternoon with a light easterly breeze of six knots, gusting at eight knots, air temperature 12 degrees C, atmospheric pressure 1012 millibars. Our support team placed the bird table 10ft (3.178645m) from the house — clear of the washing line and any other hazards.

Actual testing involved placing the food on the table, waiting one minute after the birds had settled then, in tests one and two, releasing a domestic pet. In test three, the pets remained safely locked in the kitchen while a highly-trained operative wearing appropriate safety gear let the sparrows have it with a sawn-off shotgun.

The cat was disappointingly slow off the mark, given his species' natural propensity for killing. Indeed, he seemed more interested in getting under the feet of our assistant who was at the time attempting to descend a flight of stairs while carrying a heavily-laden tray of teas and coffees. No conclusions possible, except about cats.

Despite an enthusiastic start, the dog soon lost interest in running round the garden after locating a particularly interesting stick. Sparrows seemed unconcerned. No conclusions can be drawn from test two.

Emerging from the house in a balaclava, our heavily-armed operative took out the House Sparrow® with the first shot, but unfortunately also wasted the postman who picked an inopportune moment to deliver the mail. Managed to wing the Tree Sparrow® which settled on the boundary hedge separating our test area from a packed barbecue in the neighbours garden. Heavy collateral damage from shots two, three, four and five. Air ambulance landed safely.

Conclusion

There is no apparent difference between the two types of Sparrow®. The House Sparrow® seems to be nothing more than a cynical rebranding of an identical product.

Our advice

Ignore the smooth sales pitch, and stick with tried-and-trusted avian technology.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Yeast Logic’ index page