Treasury to offer tax relief on stolen goods

In a surprise announcement today, chance-seller Gordon Brown has shown himself as a true radical, and firmly in support of El Presidente Blair's official War On Sanity™.

Subsequent to the recent policy of prosecuting only known criminals who commit burglary, Mr Brown announced a plan to offer tax-relief on all stolen goods.

"This government is very much in favour of a systematic redistribution of wealth," affirmed Mr Brown, shortly after a meeting in which he refused to compensate English cricketers for their non-visit to Zimbabwe.

The new plan will award a five per cent tax rebate to any burglar fencing a stolen VCR or DVD player through a government-approved pawn shop. Suspects caught on CCTV and identified will be eligible for a bonus payment of five per cent of the goods' value.

In a related move, Charles Clark has also announced a new, government-funded course in "Practical Housebreaking and Defying Justice".

Based partly on the highly successful French military training on "Surrendering and Running Away", the new course will teach troubled youngsters how to break into a house, nick stuff and then fence it. There will also be an advanced legal element in which arrested students will be able to learn how to sue homeowners for any injuries sustained during the course of the break-in.

"This is a great way for young people to take on board the responsibilty of paying their own way," enthused Mr Clark. "It is also an opportunity for all university students to learnt vital practical life skills while funding their education."

We invited Neville Durden-Smith to put the Tories' viewpoint, but he was too busy stacking shelves at the local supermarket as part of his own retraining to comment.