Classified ads 10.03.03

Public Announcements

• Timetable to War now available from post offices. Due to neccessary diversion at UN, services may run later than expected. Please note: Turkey is no longer on this route. Those wanting to get to Turkey are advised to change at Syria

For sale

• Enormous metal pipe. Suit children's playground or similar. Inspections force sale. Aluminium tubes also available. Write to: Supergun c/o S. Hussein, Baghdad
• Welsh assembly. As new. Ideal for use as second home or to let. Suit individuals seeking a quiet life. Write to: Welsh secretarial college c/o HM Gov.
• Water-powered car. No oil or petrol needed. Lack of interest by governments forces sale. Write to Green Party, UK.

Positions vacant

• Bouncer required to work backstage at Manchester United football stadium, mostly dressing room. Scottish required as first or second language. Email: vacancies@manu.com

Wanted

• Euphemism required for illegal aerial bombardment of Iraq. Must not suggest death or law. Any mention of "war" not suitable. Email: ghoon@secretwar.gov.uk