I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Ron Davies 'livid' over badger allegations

Disgraced politician Ron Davies has spoken of his disgust at news reports that he used a badger reserve as a venue for gay sex with animals.

"Will this nightmare never end," he caterwauled, apparently referring to an earlier incident where he did nothing at all wrong in Clapham but was forced to resign as Welsh Secretary. Something about cottaging.

"I was driving home from a quiet night out oiling my biceps," he carefully explained, "when I decided I need a bite to eat and to answer a call of nature." He stopped at a service station on the motorway, very close to the badger reserve in question.

Somerset police have refused to say what they believe may have happened, but shortly after 12pm on 2 March 2003, two officers apprehended Mr Davies after he was spied "in an unusual position" with a young badger named Bodger. Unfortunately for Mr Davies, a reporter from a national factsheet was nearby having followed him every day for the last four years in a beaten-up blue VW Golf.

Despite initial protestations, Mr Davies soon admitted to sexual congress with the animal although he explained to police that it was the black-and-white creature that had made the first move.

A statement from Mr Davies' laywer later said that Mr Davies was always very careful and had sought confirmation from the beast that it was above the age of consent (six in a badger). He also stated that as far as Mr Davies could tell, the badger was female. "My client strongly refutes tabloid stories that he is gay. He has never knowingly slept with a male animal in his life," the lawyer explained.

However, animal protection groups remain concerned. A spokeshug for the RSPCA commented: "The society's policy is that all human to badger intercourse should take place only within a deep and loving relationship."

However, the badger in question's lawyer confirmed that the relationship was surprising deep and that he had loved it. He also refuted allegations that his client had accepted some small rodents as payment.

Returning home last night, Davies was clearly distressed: "Look, I was minding my own business seeing to the call of nature and the next thing I knew one of those creatures was caressing my genitals and giving me the eye. It was foolishly impetuous and perhaps I should have walked away, but I'm only human so I scooped it up, found a hole and inserted myself into it. Any man would have done the same."

The story may not end there though, with the badger concerned expected to squeak to the Sun newspaper this week. According to the head of smut at News International, the badger — real name Derek Hands — is ready to spill the beans on the whole seedy world of badger and ferret prostitution.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page