Dear Dierdre: My vibrator's a blast!

As long as the batteries last

by Dierdre Bellbottom

DEAR DIERDRE: I've just been introduced to the delights of the vibrator, and I must say it's a blast! I'd never thought of using a sex toy before, but my friend Joy swears by them and lend me her favourite "Stallion Clit-Nibbler Deluxe" — nine inches of battery-driven latex delight. I must say it satisfied me in a way I never thought possible, bringing me to an earth-shattering climax in minutes. It never gets drunk, never slumps in front of the match with a beer and — most importantly — always stands to attention whenever my aching box requires relief. I'm in heaven.

The problem is, it's costing me a fortune in batteries, not to mention having to nip to the local corner shop every three hours for a fresh set. I'm considering purchasing a set of rechargeables. Do you have any personal preference as to battery technology? Helen, Lancs.

DIERDRE SAYS: Readers would be surprised as to how many letters like this I get. The problem is, once a woman has discovered the advantages of rubber-assisted self-pleasure, she's unlikely ever to need a man again. However, it's only when she suffers battery drain at the moment of climax that a man would be truly useful. After all, that's what they do in the pub — discuss sport and the comparative merits of competing battery technologies.

Mercifully, help is at hand. I'm sending you my leaflet Ni-Cad or Lithium Ion? Battery facts in your hands. Current thinking seems to be in favour of Ni-Cad cells for most high-drain applications, such as vibrators. True, Lithium Ion does not suffer from the "memory effect" which plagues this older rechargeable, leading often to unexpected and infuriating sex toy failure, most often as clitoral stimulation reaches critical mass. On the other hand, they're much cheaper than the Lithium Ion, so for the same budget you can have several sets ready to go at a moment's notice.

I note that the Dutch have recently developed a wind-powered vibrator, but power delivery constraints limit its size to a modest four inches. Maybe if you're an environmentally-conscious virgin or have just have a vaginal tightening, this might be of interest.

Swedish scientists had some success with their solar-powered love eggs a few years back. These worked fine in Sweden, where people are accustomed to seeing completely naked blonde women lying in the sun in public spaces fingering themselves to a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but proved rather less useful to women in Iran.

In the end, it's a matter of weighting the pros and cons of the various options, and picking the one which best suits your circumstances. Perhaps readers who have addressed this issue could email me details of their preferred power source, and I'll pass this information on to the sex toy development authorities.

DEAR DIERDRE: I'm a thirteen-year-old girl from a Manchester housing estate. I've decided to leave school to take up a full-time position shagging my 32-year-old boyfriend. Me and me mum never discussed contraception. My boyfriend says you can't get pregnant if you take it up the chocolate starfish, but me mates say that's how black babies are born. They also say that if you swallow an immigrant's cum a baby will grow in your stomach and burst out after nine months like that monster in Alien and run off looking for the nearest benefits office. Is this true? Chardonnay, Hulme

DIERDRE SAYS: No. No foetus is strong enough to break through the abdominal wall. Such babies are delivered by Caesarean section in secure units where immigration officers are on hand to prevent any abuse of the UK's benefits system.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest

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Dear Dierdre: My vibrator's a blast!