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The Jury's Out: Our Rockall legal advice column

Dear Justice Gorman: My partner and I are panda bears (genus Ailuropoda) living in Peking Zoo. We have recently undergone fertility treatment in an attempt to rebuild the dwindling panda population and bolster the zoo's finances. After several attempts, I became pregnant and we were looking forward to the happy event with great excitement.

Imagine our disappointment then when we found ourselves the parents of what is quite obviously a grizzly bear cub. There was apparently some sort of mix up at the clinic and, to make matters worse, we are facing a paternity suit from a grizzly bear, known as Bear B, who claims to be the father. He is constantly rubbing his glands against our cage bars and attempting to mark out territory with urine. What can we do? Yan Yan Soo, Peking

Dear Yan Yan Soo: You have my deepest sympathy. I know that, due to an inefficient intestinal system, pandas have to spend 12 to 16 hours a day eating so I would imagine this leaves you little time to deal with complicated legal affairs.

First the good news: As the mother of the cub you have a firm legal standing to keep the cub in your care. The bad news is that Bear B also has some rights as father. The other thing to bear in mind (if you'll pardon the pun) is that, as you've discovered, a Grizzly is a rather aggressive creature that could beat your partner black and white and blue.

My advice would be to compromise and provide Bear B with limited access rights, enabling him to take the cub on picnics and fishing trips. If this fails, you could always pay someone to shoot him. Best Wishes. Judge Gorman

Dear Justice Gorman: I am an international freedom figher who was recently arrested on an atrocity-planning trip to Pakistan. While I consider arrest and imprisonment with my rights under the Geneva convention as an occupational hazard, I was stunned to find I have been arrested for impersonating a retired engineer from Chichester in England.

There has obviously been some sort of mix up but the authorities refuse to listen to me and I feel the whole incident is damaging my reputation as a fearsome dispenser of terror and general disquiet. Yours hirsutely, K.S. Mohammed

Dear Mr Mohammed: I suspect you may have been a victim of identity theft. Obviously your counterpart in Chichester has been going around touting himself as an international terrorist, presumably to get a bit of respect down the pub.

Eventually the whole thing will no doubt be sorted out, which will leave you free to claim damages for any harm done to your reputation, loss of atrocity committing opportunities etc. You haven't indicated in your letter whether the FBI are involved but, if they are, then you may be able to speed up the process by either growing or shaving off your beard (depending on your current facial arrangement). Hope this helps. Judge Gorman

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