Louisiana 'must curb its Frenchness'

Following the banning of the word "French" from US cuisine — an important spearhead in the War on Terror™ — the people of the state of Louisiana have been ordered to stop acting so damn French or "suffer the consequences".

"The inherently cowardly traits of the people of France must not be allowed to spread across our fair land," announced Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge yesterday. "This evil must be stopped at its source: New Orleans."

A draft of a new anti-French bill has been sent to the police departments of New Freedom Town (formerly New Orleans) and Redstick (formerly Baton Rouge). New proscriptions will include:

• The Gallic Shrug — punishable by a $150 fine and to be replaced by whooping, fist-pumping and hollering.
• Accordions — possession of this traditionally French instrument will be subject to a five-year jail sentence. Cajun bands have been ordered to play uplifting airbrushed AOR ballads or disband.
• Garlic — crawdads, gumbo and such must be untainted by garlic or spices. "What's wrong with a nice plain steak?" noted Ridge.
• The laissez-faire attitude — subject to $200 fine if proven, to be replaced by alternately caring deeply and being really angry at foreigners.

It was additionally announced that as of right now, New Freedom Town's nickname will be changed from "The Big Easy" to "The Big Challenge". "Now just hang about there," said "Big Daddy" Le Freyne, official Cajun spokesman, in a laid-back rebuttal to this assault on all things French or French-ish. "We in this here state are the kings of fishing, overeating and crooked politics. You can't get no more American than that. No suh. I'm with you all the way on accordions, though," Le Freyne affirmed.