Classified ads 17.03.03

Scapegoats sought for all of society's ills

by Flash Gorman

Oil. 2.45 million barrels a day available. Will deliver. Cost: twice what it was yesterday. Email: Haveyouover-a-barrel@Opec.com
Small plain cardboard box. Unwanted gift. Cost £2. Will accept £1.75. No timewasters. Call 0999-666-099. Calls cost £3.50 per minute. Call will last no more than 10 minutes.

Gruff, plain woman seeks authority figure for undermining and general hectoring. Must cope well with righteous indignation. Email: clare.short@former-cabinet-members.com

Builder required for project in large bush. Must be discreet. Hands-on experience essential. Write to Ron Davies c/o Welsh Assembly
Security expert required for military base. Must be capable of stopping unarmed peace protesters entering premises. Even those with stepladders. Email: Fairford@raf.com

Man in tie-sex ruling seeks less embarrassing description of his court case. Write to M Thomson c/o Stockport Job Centre.
Support sought for strikes. Large friendly unions looking for members of public to hoot car horns and put brave face on withdrawal of essential services. Write to Communication Workers Union, Fire Brigade Workers Union, Transport and General Workers Union.
Scapegoat sought for society's ills. Must be powerless to defend itself. Asylum seekers, beggars, Iraq and teenage mums need not apply again. Email: dblunkett@fingerofblame.com

Camelot plc are searching for several million missing Lotto contestants. Do you remember it could be you?

Trawl Rockall for: