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Education update: Raw deal for thickos and Trevor Phillips

Following on from research showing working-class boys, the offspring of Burmese immigrants under 30, and wheelchair addicts do poorly in school tests, another group seems to be under-achieving performance-wise to an even greater degree: the terminally stupid.

One idiot from a bog-standard comprehensive declared: "Without a reordering of the system to take account of the background and sensibilities of this category of individuals they will be condemned to perpetuate the stereotype of their own academic vulnerability."

Those concerned are defined as "pathologically and irredeemably dumb". Until now, the New Labour government has preferred to classify them as the under-privileged but as working class votes for Tony Blair slip away the need for such pointless euphemisms disappear.

"The signs are easy to spot," sighed one teacher at the comprehensive after dropping her kids off at an independent school down the road, "since they keep getting papers from me marked with nought out of twenty."

Others are more sympathetic. "This kind of thing can put the stupid off school for life," said one earnest-looking woman who has a pair of really dim twins at the school, "and make them feel really stupid. Something must be done."

Educational experts are currently investigating how to set up an examination system that will give the correct results. The aim is to ensure most children continue to study hard to get the best possible grades while then ignoring the results and giving university places to those who couldn't be arsed but might have done better if they had been.

Meanwhile, Tony crony Trevor Phillips has discovered a sudden opposition to social engineering strangely coinciding with his daughter's failure to get a place at Bristol University despite her dad spending oodles of cash on her education.

"I don't understand it," squealed a baffled Phillips. "I thought the deal was that if you packed your kids off to private school you got a place at Bristol automatically. What went wrong? We'd even found a flat to rent from a friend for Slush Puppy to stay in. She had two Cs and a starred D after all. Oh and she was vice-captain of the netball team."

Phillips maintained that he was still completely in favour of more working-class children going to university just not if it stopped Slush Fund attending. "I shall be composing a very strong letter to the Daily Mail on this matter and I will be expecting this problem to disappear very soon after that. If not I think I can see a racial discrimination case arising."

Phillips' advisers later contacted The Rockall Times to correct an error in his comments, pointing out that the charismatic chief of the Campaign for Racial Equality had meant to say "independent" instead of "private" when referring to his daughter's schooling.

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