Bush struggles to satisfy UN elocution inspectors

The UN today heard evidence from the American secretary of state for good cop, Colin Powell, that President Bush has indeed pronounced the word "nuclear" correctly as demanded under resolution 147.36/213b.

The UN elocution inspectors however asserted that the US remained in violation of many agreed pronunciation targets and threatened sanctions through the Security Council if they were not reached.

British prime master Tony Blair demanded that Mr Powell start work on dismantling his current pronunciation of his own first name, as a goodwill gesture of compliance to the UN. Meanwhile, the build-up of Allied dictionaries in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba has reached an all-time high, with nearly 250,000 words are poised for entry into America if no settlement can be achieved.

This news comes just days after the chief elocution inspector, Hans Ürp, gave his penultimate report on the situation to the UN Security Council. "There is still much to be done," argued Mr Ürp, "and America's time has almost run out. We have been battered by their rhetoric and promises, but have seen little action."

In his address to his nation last week, president Bush called on the UN to retract its comments about "the Syntax of Evil" that emanates from America. "I deny that any 'Syntax of Evil' exists within the United States of America," the president stated, "and respectifully suggest that the United Nations concentraterise on the continued nukelar... newkoolar... nuke... atomic threat from rogue states."

The British government played down the possibility of UN sanctions against the US, saying that no decision to take action had been made. However, many linguistic pundits believe that the latest revelations may ultimately provoke a vicious war of words.