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  Monday 17th March 2003  Science   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Mystery disease rampages across world

Four dead, up to 500 million at risk including you and your children
by Kieren McCarthy

The World Health Organisation made the extraordinary step today of issuing a rare emergency travel warning over a mysterious new form of disease that has already caused the death of four people — one of them an American.

The last time the WHO issued such a warning — two months ago — nothing much happened but the time before that 1,500 people died. However, this warning is expected to be even more newsworthy since more than two Westerners are believed to be at risk of death.

The extremely rare and dangerous mutation of the mysterious disease of pneumonia threatens to engulf the entire civilised world. Observers fear that it may only be 15 minutes from when someone reports the first snuffles to an agonising death.

However, if that's doesn't scare you, we've got some other experts that say it could be 10 days of excrutiating pain before you die — but not before your children succumb and die weeping in horror in your arms crying out "why, Daddy, why?"

With the entire universe now on high alert, officials warned that the evil disease could be the result of a terrorist biological Saddam weapon. "This is not a biological weapon," said a UN spokesman, although he refused to confirm whether Saddam Hussein had been developing a massive secret infrastructure capable of mutating normal viruses so they looked normal.

"The only way we can be sure that the entire non-Muslim world isn't wiped out is to invade Iraq," confirmed a US government spokesman.

Backing for this emergency measure came from unexpected quarters. "Yes, that is what is right, what I believe I must do, although not actually do myself, but I will go on television and explain why you should trust me, because I fear that without my intervention you may all regret this for years to come — and I can't live with myself if I allow that to happen," said the altruistic Tony Blair.

Meanwhile, we hope to bring you the latest punditry on this news as soon as it happens, on the hour, every fuc*king hour. If for some reason we don't, tune to BBC News 24 for the latest chilling ill-informed speculation, complete with graphics.

 Go on then, hard man