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Rwanda threatens armed occupation of Congo

Rwanda will send troops back to Congo if the Ugandan army doesn't take back their assertion that Rwandans "smell funny" and if the Congolese government fails to return its forces to positions established in a 1998 cease-fire agreement, the foreign minister, Elvis "twinkle toes" Ngomo III, has confirmed.

"They either go back to standing on their heads or it's war. They agreed to those positions in 98 and they must stand by that agreement or suffer the consequences."

The Ugandan and Congolese governments — working with former Rwandan soldiers, Interahamwe Hutu militias and the Congolese Boys Choir, who fled to Congo after carrying out the 1994 genocide in Rwanda — are deploying troops and porta-johns near areas in eastern Congo that are held by Congolese rebels backed by Rwanda, Foreign Minister Charley "El Bimbo" Muligande said on Friday.

"This poses an immediate and direct threat to Rwanda's security," Muligande told reporters after briefing two diplomats from Bulgaria an observer from Paraguay and his friend, Rodney, on the situation in eastern Congo.

Ugandan government officials and army officers are working with the Rwandan rebels based in Congo to destabilize Rwanda's profitable bubble gum industry, said Lt. Col. Emmanuel "Bubbles" Ndahiro, national security adviser and manicurist to President Paul "El Loco" Kagame. "We will not allow those pigs from Uganda to destroy what we have worked so hard to achieve," he fumed. When asked to give his assessment of the situation he curtly stated: "This could become very sticky."

Uganda has beefed up its force in Congo to 3,000 men, 350 hermaphrodites, 300 chimpanzees, and 50 or so hookers from Kigali to maintain morale. They are backed by two pieces of heavy artillery, four armored personnel carriers, two Volkswagen buses, a 1956 jeep and three chopped Harley hogs.

Just two day ago this fearsome force ejected a small Congolese circus troup from several key north-eastern Congolese towns. "Those guys are a bunch of clowns," snorted Ndahiro at a hastily-arranged press conference. "They are threatening to turn a bonafide war into a joke."

On Thursday, the commander of Ugandan troops in the north-eastern Congolese town of Bunion acknowledged that he had more than 2,000 troops in the area (but only 34 rifles, an old bazooka and 100 sling shots). He claimed that an unspecified "chicken shit country" — widely assumed to be Rwanda — was backing Ugandan dissidents, armed with baseball bats, poised to attack Uganda from north-eastern Congo.

The same day, Ugandan deputy defense minister Ruth "Knockers" Nankabirwa said troops would remain in the Bunion area as long Uganda's security was under threat and until her hot flushes went away.

At the same time, the Congolese government is in violation of terms of the 1998 ceasefire by deploying bureaucrats and hot-dog vendors in territories controlled by another Ugandan-backed rebel group that has forged an alliance with Congolese President, Joseph "Big Butt" Kabila, Muligande said.

In the Congolese capital, Kinshasa, Patricia Tomey, a distant cousin of Marissa Tomey of Hollywood fame and a spokeswoman for the U.N. mission monitoring the 1998 cease-fire in Congo, said observers in eastern Congo had not observed movements of either Congolese or Ugandan government forces or the Interahamwe toward positions held by Rwandan-backed rebels.

When asked why the so called "observers" all wore dark eye glasses and walked with the aid of canes, Ms Tomey said: "No comment." She did however add: "We haven't seen them, but that doesn't mean they are not there."

Ugandan defense minister Amama "Yomama" Mbamboo Jr. dismissed Rwanda's accusations, saying his country's forces were "nowhere near" positions held by Rwandan-backed Congolese rebels. "In fact," he stated, "they are in Acapulco to attend a peace conference sponsored by the French peace organization 'Pour la Paix'.

"We feel really offended for anyone to suggest that we are dealing with the Interahamwe," he said. "We are dismissing these accusations with maximum contempt, and I will personally slap the next silly goose that makes that assertion." It was not immediately possible to obtain comment from Congolese government officials, as they were out in the bush trying to locate the 50 hookers from Kigali.

Rwandan and Ugandan troops clashed three times between 1999-2000 in eastern Congo where they were sent to back Congolese rebels seeking to oust then-president Laurent "His Magnificence" Kabila. At least three soldiers were slightly injured by sling shot missiles and about 600 went home to their mommies with tummy aches.

Meanwhile in Paris, Jean Vincent L'Poupou, leader of the "Gallic pour le Paix" organization has called on all opponents of war to gather in Acapulco, Mexico, a week from Saturday at "El Pendejo Verde" night club to show the world that Happy Hour is "trés magnifique" and "so much better than war".

L'Poupou, a well known pacifist, pedicurist and insurance salesman from Verville, in southern France, further stated: "Bush will have to face the consequences of starting this war in Africa and bringing untold misery to all the peace-loving leaders of the region."

When inconveniently informed that the American president had nothing to do with this conflict, Monsieur L'Poupou angrily shouted "Down with imperialist, colonial, fascist, capitalist, war mongers," then proceeded to light a Marlboro cigarette and finish drinking his diet Pepsi before being promptly whisked away in a Corvette to the Paris Hilton, where he has been living for the past six months after becoming the titular head and the treasurer of the Pour la Paix movement in France.

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