Shock War on Iraq™ poll result rocks government

A BORI poll commissioned for the BBC has left politicians and pundits alike reeling. The poll, conducted for Today — Radio Four's flagship current affairs programme — was intended to gauge public opinion on the justification for a war with Iraq.

In what is being widely viewed as an unprecedented result, however, every single one of the respondents answered "Don't know".

The result was announced by John Humphreys on this morning's show shortly before an interview with foreign secretary Jack Straw.

Straw, when asked by Humphreys whether the result reflected confusion or apathy replied: "What, all of them? They all said 'Don't know'? Jesus." Assured by Humphreys that the BORI result was genuine, Strudel — known as "Supergrass" to his family — went on to comment: "Christ in a jockstrap! We're screwed — you do know that, don't you?"

When asked to elaborate he said: "If the sweaty proles won't tell us what they think, how in God's name can we make vote-winning decisions?" He added: "This microphone isn't live, is it?"

Ruth Pendle, professor of political studies at Warminster University, commented: "This could well be an early overt manifestation of a state of political apathy toward which the West has been moving since the 1950s. If we extrapolate this trend, 10 years from now no one will care about anything whatsoever."

Pendle, 44, pointed out that she had predicted this state of affairs in her 1997 book Politics: Who Gives A Shi*t? and that was probably why she had been asked to do the interview. "I do have other ideas though," she pleaded with the show's producers before finally being dislodged from the radio car's door at 30 miles-per-hour and left bouncing down the high street.

A senior Downing Street source, when pressed for comment, told The Rockall Times: "Let's face it, it's utterly naïve of the public to think that decisions affecting the lives of thousands of British servicemen and women — and an even greater number of Iraqi women and children — are made on any other basis than popularity. Banging on about ethics is all very well, but 'doing the right thing' doesn't earn votes. Straw-Dog is quite correct — we're done for."

BORI have issued a statement defending their poll as entirely representative of Today listeners. It was conducted in the Buckinghamshire village of Threepwardle-on-Thames — a Conservative stronghold since the last Ice Age, historians confirmed. The polling sample of 1,500 people was carefully described as "1,499 randomly chosen individuals categorised as white, middle class, ABC1, and one who might best be described as a badger."