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So, who gets the Iraq gig?

With the bombs on the way in and Saddam Hussein on the way out, there's a great deal of media speculation as to who will be the next man in charge of Iraq.

As usual, the impeccable inside sources of The Rockall Times mean that our reporters based in the Middle East already know the names of those under consideration by the US administration.

Here then is our quick guide to the contenders for the title of president of Free Iraq:

Mustafa al-Bastard: Al-Bastard was a senior officer in the Iraqi Army until a couple of days ago when he fled to Jordan announcing that he "could no longer in good conscience aid and abet any longer the repression that has disfigured my beloved country". In his 35-year career in the Ba'ath Party, al-Bastard is estimated to have killed around 100,000 people — many of them with his own hands and feet. Described by Donald Rumsfeld as a "genuine reformer" and with a "well-developed sense of right and wrong".

Mustafa al-Complete Bastard: Stayed behind in Iraq and helped pave the way for American troops by shooting fleeing Iraqi troops. Firm support for Saddam Hussein discovered to be a "cunning ploy" after his discovery in a bunker in the north of the country. Revered by over 30,000 soldiers and a great believer in the opening up of global energy markets to outside interests. Described by Rumsfeld as an "outstanding visionary" with "extraordinary sensitivity".

Mustafa al-Torture: Though once suspected of being behind the decision to gas Kurds a decade ago, al-Torture left Iraq and set up in America after the Gulf War. Since then he has established good relations with "progressive" American companies that are expected to be crucial to the rebuilding of the US economy. For the 1990s, he has worked tirelessly to rid Iraq of the evil Hussein empire by living in a villa in the South of France and drinking red wine at taxpayers' expense. Described by the US administration as "a man with a great deal of charisma" and "an agrarian reformer".

Grand Ayatollah Bazari: Revered by the majority Shia population of the country. Despite his apparent acquiescence to Saddam's rule, he is said to have established warm relations with many high-ups in the Bush administration when he was a student at Harvard studying accounting. Described by Donald Rumsfeld as "a deeply, deeply religious man", possessing "an innate sense of decency".

General Tommy Franks: The favourite for the post. General Franks has long links with Iraq having killed thousands of its countrymen twice and lived in the desert for months at a time. Believed to be friendly with the US administration but known to be clear favourite among Iraqi people who see him as the liberator of their land, Franks has huge experience of politics having been a solider for his entire life. A first-rate choice.

Saddam Hussein: A rank outsider. However was known to be very friendly with the CIA in the past and a close ally with many in the current US administration over a decade ago. A firm believer in Resolution 1441 and a key intelligence chief for the discovery of weapons of mass destruction. Has however made powerful enemies and may have to settle for being assassinated.

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