Classified Ads 24.03.03

For sale: Large former shipyard, ripe for development

by Flash Gorman

Loyal Government members wanted. Choice of three positions available. Must not be afraid of getting blood on hands. Write to: Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street

Large former shipyard. Would make ideal themed housing development. Shattered dreams of three generations included in the asking price. Write to: The Receivers c/o Harland and Wolff, Ireland.
Ethical principles. Includes posturing about poor and oppressed. Sale forced through selfish concerns. Email: c_short@aroundfornow.com
Valuable jewel encrusted model yacht. Superbly hand crafted work of art. Unwanted gift. Email: fence@buckinghampalace.com
Stanna stairlift and miscellaneous religious memorabilia. Walk-in bath also available. Bereavement forces sale. Write to: The Thora Hird Estate

New computer system. Have £4 billion to spend. Non-disastrous implementation preferred. Please mark bids "EDS Submission". Receipts required. Email: project-aspire@inlandrevenue.gov.uk
Ageing sit-com requires fresh scripts. Must involve loveable antics of three old men. People being propelled over dry stone walls a distinct advantage. Email: barrel.scraping@bbc.co.uk

Unattractive bearded man seeks new pasttime. Hobbies include walking, reading and standing up for principles. Seeking to fill suddenly increased leisure time. Email: rcook@funwhileitlasted.gov.uk

Trawl Rockall for: