I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Labour resignations shake Blair

As the government faces continued criticism for the Iraq war, interest is growing in the brave group of men and women who selflessly gave up ministerial office in the hope that things go badly and they get better jobs later.

So who are they, this band of unhappy men and women who have put their principles of future advancement ahead of a sordid desire for power?

Little Red Robin: Robin Cook landed the blow that shook the nation most. In a speech described by friends as "forensic" before they'd even heard it, the former minister for ethical arm sales told a packed House of Commons of his worries that he would never succeed Gordon Brown. Not since Admiral Ney resigned in 1811 in a warning over the build-up to the Battle of Waterloo has there been anything like it. As MPs left to report back to their constituents, journalists huddled together and concluded his speech had been "forensic". One of Robin's closest acquaintances told The Rockall Times: "On a day like this how can anyone say Parliament no longer matters? I'll be voting for the government though or it'll screw up my chances of becoming a minister."

John "Denim" Denham: The junior minister for out-of-town superstores was driven by his conscience to quit the Home Office and by his ego to heap praise on Blair in his resignation speech in case the war goes well. His departure will be a grevious loss to a government already shaken, stunned and stirred by Little Red Robin's resignation.

Bob Blizzard: The personal private parliamentary proper secretary to cow-hater Nick Brown, Bob Blizzard's departure will be a grevious loss to a government already deeply shaken, stunned and stirred by Lord Denham's resignation. Backbenchers who claim his lofty position only came through the fortunate surname he was given by his Eskimo mother will feel vindicated.

Andy Reed: The first government figure to quit, the private personal masseur to former somebody Margaret Beckett was stunned when he learned the UK was going to war. "Really? Since when? How annoying, just when it's about to get interesting," he told our reporter.

Ken Purchase: As man-servant to Robin Cook, Mr Purchase wrongly assumed he had to leave with his boss. Having followed Mr Cook into the voting chamber to ask about redundancy pay, he accidentally voted for the rebel amendment and was immediately placed in the naughty book wielded by government whips. Big man but out of shape.

Lord Hunt of Kings Heath: Lord Hunt stunned many by being able to get a spot on the Today programme to air his resignation. The junior health minister was unlikely to last long anyway, observers have noted, since he was good at his job. Deputy PM John Prescott claimed never to have heard of him, later confessing he had never heard of George Orwell, foie gras or the word "obtuse" either.

Anne Campbell: Secretary of state for trade and industry Patricia Hewitt was said to be devastated that Anne Campbell had decided to quit. However civil servants have since assured Pat she will not have to learn about business to continue in her post. True to form, Ms Campbell smiled at reporters asking her about her decision before joyfully riding off in the distance on her pushbike.

Sandra Osborne: As an aide to the Scottish secretary, Sandra held in her hands the power to turn the entire Commons against the government. Weighed down with such responsibility, she eventually decided to abstain on the Commons' vote before going home for a nice cup of cocoa.

Russell Brown: Another Scotsman who will be looking a cabinet post once Gordon Brown has won the leadership contest, Russell Brown bravely decided not to quit for months before the final war vote despite being the aide to leader of the House of Lords, Lord Mostyn. Plans to spend more time with his beard/tache combo.

Michael Jabez Foster: The former lawyer and lover of fisherman dramatically quit as PPSPS to attorney general Lord Goldsmith, although this was nothing to do with the fact that Goldsmith decided attacking Iraq was illegal, sorry legal. Despite all the evidence to the contrary. May fall back on former Bob Hoskins lookalike career.

David Kidney: As parliamentary private dancer to Michael Meacher, the Iraq issue was known to be gnawing at Mr Kidney's conscience. Having chewed on the problem, Bugs decided to leave. Mr Meacher was furious when two days later he discovered his Kidney was missing.

Clare Short: Claire Short is expected to quit any day soon. Despite millions across the globe pleading with her to keep her ministerial limosine and wage packet, Ms Short is a woman of principle and is expected to leave immediately after Tony Blair ejects her from his government.

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Politics’ index page