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Fierce fighting continues over pronunciation of Umm Qarzi

Bitter hand-to-hand fighting over the correct pronunciation of the Iraqi port of Erm Gazza continues to hamper the allied war effort, we can reveal.

Military sources report that dozens of Iraqi towns and villages have suffered a severe tongue-lashing from journalists locked in a deadly struggle to lend an air of Arabic authenticity to their broadcasts.

Speaking at allied war headquarters in the Gulf state of Guitar, an American special forces phonologist told The Rockall Times: "It's total anarchy out there. What information we do have indicates that at least three US and four British news teams are slogging it out for control of Al Samawah."

Our front-line correspondent confirms this: "The road to Baghdad is littered with the detritus of war: the charred and twisted remains of improbable combinations of consonants speckle the desert like linguistic blackheads. And here, on the outskirts of Al Uncle Samba, the battle-weary press prepare for their third night of combat as they try to establish some kind of phonetic bridgehead across the Tigris. This is André Sikorski, The Rockall Times, Al Sambutchah."

Indeed, seizing the town is considered by news agencies as vital, allowing as it does virtually unimpeded access to the fertile news plains of northern Iraq. CNN has confirmed it is ready to deploy an extra 100,000 pronunciations of the key Kurdish-controlled towns of Shamcamel, Haway Thelads, Airbill and Kirkaptinkirk.

Elsewhere on the front line, there are unconfirmed reports that one live BBC report has fallen victim to so-called "blue-on-blue" friendly fire after deploying three different pronunciations of "Nasiriyah" in a single two-minute broadcast. To compound the tragedy, the correspondent then signed off from "Coalition forces HQ in Crater", to be immediately acknowledged by the studio as "Will Hanrahanrahanrahan in Cutter". The BBC has said it will launch an immediate enquiry.

Meanwhile, the Secretary General of the UN, Coffee Anansi, has held preliminary talks with UK supremo Blur as to that organisation's role in a post-war Iraqi democracy. "Our first priority will be a series of resolutions stipulating a mandated pronunciation for every town, village and hamlet across Iraq," declared Oman. "The very least the long-suffering people of that ravaged land can expect is the dignity of phonetic consistency. We'll try and send some water as well, if we get a moment."

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