Rockall wins Lonely Planet commendation

Inhabitants of Rockall are today celebrating the publication of a Lonely Planet guide to their isolated domain which lavished great dollops of guano-like commendation on the islet.

The guide book series is one of the world's most prestigious and its praise for Rockall has stunned many. Calling it "the most beautiful erection of volcanic material on the planet", several of the contributing editors admit they have become so carried away by their purple prose they may even visit the islet "maybe next year, or when we get time, you know how it is when you've got a full-time job".

Speaking for the first time since the award was announced, the head of the Rockall Tourist Board was overwhelmed: "This really is a great honour. It's one in the eye for those who say that Rockall is nothing more than a 74-foot memorial to Britain's North Atlantic territorial ambitions. Yes, it's the Norwegians I'm talking about. And the Faeroe islanders. Not forgetting the Irish. Or the Icelanders."

According to Lonely Planet, these are some of the attractions the casual visitor can expect upon alighting on Rockall:

• Seafood: good selection in the surrounding waters
• Rock climbing: challenging conditions for experienced climbers
• The weather: guaranteed sunshine

However, the guide did highlight some weaknesses:

• Public transport: Limited. Currently under review by the SRA
• Restaurants: None, but good al fresco raw fish dining facilities
• Nightlife: No

Despite the accolade, there were disturbing stories last night that flocking hordes of the Rockall's native Killiwacky birds were massing on the western ridge of the island in an attempt to fend off the expected influx of tourists.

"We're sick of it", said one bird, "why is it always an influx of tourists? Why can't it be a steady flow or a gradually building increase?"