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Trawl Rockall for:

Hey, don't know your Special Republican Guard from your elbow?

With both coalition-of-two soldiers and media pundits alike having increasing difficulty in telling Iraqi citizens (give water, be nice), Iraqi regular soldiers (arrest, be niceish) and "troops loyal to Saddam Hussein" (bomb, maim, kill) apart, we felt it was essential that Our Boys™ be given a simple and clear guide to what they can expect in the desert. Remember, it's a jungle out there.

	Iraqi regular: This is what troops want to see — an ordinary Iraqi solider with a fully loaded automatic weapon. These soldiers will at once surrender because they are so grateful they are being liberated by the United States. There are only thought to be about 6,000 of them — 4,000 of which have already surrended. Keep them in a PoW camp and be fairly nice to them. If they are holding a gun like in this picture though, shoot them.
	Republican Guard: Fierce and loyal to Saddam. You can tell by the gas mask that these troops are expecting chemical weapons. And not just from the US — Saddam too. You see one of these, kill them. Then explain if was them that killed all the civilians in the bombed-out market. Not to be confused with Elite Republican Guard or Special Republican guard.
	Special Republican Guard: Members of the Republican Guard that have turned evil. Even more fierce and even more loyal to Saddam. Dress up as civilians but use their special skills to attack US and UK troops instead of handing over the country to the world's only superpower like they know they really want to. Liable to open fire on civilians at a moment's notice, especially just after coalition troops have done the same by accident. Must be separated and killed dead when TV crews aren't present.
	Feda'Yeeeeeeen: A terrifyingly fierce and loyal band of paramilitaries that only came into existence in Iraq four weeks ago but are known to be among the fiercest and most loyal troops the media has ever heard of. Each Feda is trained by a holy warrior monkey in the ways of the simian and will wear only pyjamas in their crazed quest for Western blood. They are immune to anthrax and some have extra limbs to fire two guns at once. They can survive for years on sand alone and are not from this world. Only a cluster bomb will touch them but for God's sake don't tell anyone you fired one.
	Elite Special Republican Guard: Behind the normal Republican Guard and the Special Republican Guard and left at the Elite Republican Guard lie the most feared troops the world has ever known: the Elite Special Republican Guard. Thought to be dug in around Saddam and his evil band of cackling followers, these troops are able to metamorphise themselves into creatures of the night, including bats, jaguars and worms. Each can grow four heads before finally dying and all have strange telepathic powers that can induce Iraqi civilians to risk their lives and fight against their freers (the US troops). Only the cross of Jesus and holy water can banish these evil creatures to the neverworld.
	Republican Guard FC: A specialised and dangerous cohort of Iraqi troops who are fiercely loyal to Saddam although while they are more loyal than the Special Republican Guard, they are less fierce. Instead, Republican Guard FC uses remarkable hand-eye skills to aim explosives toward enemy troops. Capable of curling death-charges round corners and powering dynamite at advancing columns, they are a terrifying bunch. However, coalition-of-two troops know their weaknesses: busty blondes and drugs. Once disabled, a sliding tackle to one of the troops will see them roll around on the floor defenceless, giving a solider plenty of time to handcuff them.
	Publican Guard: Possibly the most dangerous of all soldiers, the Publican Guard is renowned the world over for its ruthlessness. Those who have come under their influence are said never to fear what the wife may bring. Thought to be the guardians of Saddam's chemical weapons, the Publican Guard can only be subdued by money. Tales are legion of the so-called "barred" torture technique used to bring men under submission. Even Saddam fears them. There is no defence against these evil-doers.

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