Bus lane offenders face vicious clampdown

Mayor of London King Livingstone will today outline further measures to tackle misuse of bus lanes in and around the capital.

Although full details will be revealed next week via independent London transport website welovecuddlyken.co.uk, the main parts of the policy have already been leaked to the Evening Standard.

Mindful of this, TfL's Director of Pointless Gestures gave The Rockall Times some background spin: "We intend to crack down and crack down hard on people using bus lanes. A lot of them have no idea that they're occupying valuable road space that could be more productively used by taxis or the home secretary's limousine."

Under the new measures, penalties for misuse of the lanes will be levied on offenders, most of whom are expected to be bus passengers. They include:

• Increase in fares
• The refusal to provide change for anything larger than a pound coin
• Long queues
• Restricted and compact seating
• Overcrowding
• Unhelpful and inconsiderate drivers

The Director was firm: "We'll go on doing this until people understand that the abuse of bus lanes is a serious offence."

"We will carry on with policy," screamed Livingstone at a rally of his most devoted supporters — the so-called Feday-ken, "and even strengthen it." Livingstone refused however to take questions from reporters outside and was seen being driven away in a metered four-wheeled form of transport that apparently did not go "all round the houses".