Classified ads 07.04.03

For Sale

• Fresh horse meat. Top quality. Suit French restaurant or unfussy burger chain. Write to chief veterinary (shotgun division) Aintree Racecourse
• Tickets for Rolling Stones Indian tour. Choice of 80,000. Suit student of musical history or senile dementia. Email: jumping-jack-cash@rollingstones.com

Wanted

• Hateful religious cleric with missing hand seeks new country to castigate. Must have generous state benefit systems and access to hooks. Write to: Abu Hamaz c/o UK Home Office
• Terrorist link required for SARS disease. Preferably Middle Eastern. Must be tenuous to say the least. Write to: Scaremongering department, US government

Lost and found

• Large airport missing, believed liberated. Approximately 10 million square feet. Some planes also missing. Email: saddam@betweenbunkers.iq
• Clear evidence for Weapons of Mass Distribution found. Will be revealed to world's press as soon as fabrication completed. Write to: US Army, Special Effects Division

Positions Vacant

• Puppet leader required for soon-to-be liberated country. Must be able to kow-tow and have open mind over oil exploitation. Write to: Post-War Carve-Up Campaign, Washington