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Dolphins mobilise for Battle of Baghdad™

Fears that a Stalingrad-style siege of Baghdad will result in millions of US casualties seem to have been allayed this morning with the announcement that the US Navy's formation dolphin team will lead the assault on the Iraqi capital.

Until now, the highly-trained marine mammals have concentrated on detecting mines, but US military commanders are convinced that they are now ready for a more front-line and aggressive role in Gulf War II™.

The plan — apparently originally developed by Ronald Dumsfeld as he enjoyed a well-earned break watching Flipper reruns on US Forces' TV — will see the assault on Baghdad led by heavily-armed cetacean special forces. They are expected to face the very cream of Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard, including Republican Guard PLC — the private sector funded wing of the Elite Special Republican Guard —, and Republican Guard Lite™: the low-fat alternative to Republican Guard Deluxe.

One dolphin, balancing a beach-ball on his nose in an enormous swimmming pool somewhere in the vicinity of the Iraqi port of Ummmm Qasi, gave us his thoughts on the impending mission which will see his entire school parachuted into the centre of Baghdad under cover of darkness: "Click, click, click, click. Click click," he noted. "Click, click, click," added a colleague. Both seemed keen to get into action but declined to give their names.

Speaking at a news conference later, General Tommy Franks admitted that few, if any, of the dolphins could expect to survive the bitter hand-to-hand fighting, but added on a brighter note that "since they're not US citizens they don't count as US casualties". Franks did, however, promise that any dolphin killed on active service would receive a "decent burial at sea" with as "much fish sent onto his or her relatives as they can eat".

Franks went on to outline how US water-borne forces would deal with the distinct possibility that Saddam will make his last stand in a bunker deep beneath the streets of Baghdad, heavily defended by fanatical members of I Can't Believe It's Not Republican Guard, the plain clothes infiltration unit attached to Republican Guard III.

"There's no way we'd sacrifice even dolphins against such fanatics," conceded Franks. "So, we're developing a plan to flush Saddam out based on the psyops techniques used to get General Noriega out of the Vatican embassy in Panama. We'll drive the sonofabitch out of his mind with music, but this time it won't be David Bowie played through speakers. No, we have a ensemble of musical sealions on standby which can blast Britney Spears tunes through trumpets for up to two weeks at a time. God help Hussein and anyone else in a three-mile radius."

Animal welfare organisations have let out a predictable wail against the whole idea of deploying adorable sea creatures in the fight to liberate Iraq, but they can safely be ignored since many of them are vegetarian. In the UK, government minister Clare Short warned of dire consequences should any dolphin or sealion be killed. "If that happened I'd resign immediately," she told an empty press room.

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