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US stuns world with French boycott demand

The United States of America has stunned the world with calls for a mass boycott of French goods.

Demonstrating a previously unsuspected grasp of international markets and politics, ordinary Americans and Congressmen alike have sought to teach France an economic lesson for not wanting to go to war in Iraq until a reasonably plausible justification could be found.

This concerted effort by a few proud and brave patriots already has France quaking in its boots.

As many businesses refused to stock Evian mineral water, Coca-Cola — which majority owns the company — gave its full support. A spokesman told us: "We may take a hit in the short term, but do remember that while we will shoulder the bulk of this boycott, at least a little of it will filter through to the frogs. If it means our profits for the next two years are wiped out, so be it."

The same goes for yoghurt. Yoplait, owned by US company General Mills, is also looking down the gun barrel as millions of Americans use their language skills to identify French products. A few efforts by city workers to shift this boycott onto the French-owned Danon product has so far fallen on deaf ears however, with most of the US population still convinced of its US roots.

As we know, even if the stock markets don't, French products contain silly words with "ait" or "la" in. "Danon" however contains two great American words: "Dan" and "on".

This fearless campaign of economic scapegoating has also found a leader in the form of Congressman Darrell Issa. "Because of ill-considered planning, the US government will soon hand US taxpayer dollars over to French, German and other European cell phone equipment companies," the educated man stated in an amendment to legislation that would see Iraq provided only and exclusively with US-created standard CDMA. He then bravely argued that CDMA was technically superior to GSM.

While at first glance, it may appear that to eschew GSM — the global standard to which US phone manufacturers produce the majority of their phones — would be foolish, not least because it would mean Iraq could not communicate with the rest of the world, Congressman Issa clearly has his eye firmly on the ball.

GSM, he cleverly points out, stands for Groupe Spécial Mobile — a classic combination of French surrender monkey words if ever there was one.

While this relentless campaign to demonstrate what will happen if any country comes up against belligerent American intellect, Congress is already calling for a ban on other French products, habits and words.

From July, any American caught shrugging their shoulders or uttering any French words would be immediately detained under a new extension of the Patriot Act that allows for the imprisonment of any individual for any length of time without access to a lawyer or without any charge being brought against them.

The fashion industry is already worried it may be caught up in the crossfire. A spokesman for the Fashion Darling trade body was at pains to point out that while many of its members frequently used French words to convey sophistication, they had no idea what they meant nor did they have any non-sophisticate, communicative French. Despite the body's best efforts though, it is feared that many fashionistas will not have long enough to be trained out of using French stock phrases by the time they are next allowed out in public for New York fashion week.

Sitting outside a café is to be made punishable by a $500 fine, and owning a "café" by 10 years in jail. Dijon mustard, Camembert, foie gras, garlic and onions are all outlawed as is the addition of red wine to any dish. The use of a French red wine in a French dish will become a capital offence. French fries as we all know will henceforth be known as "freedom fries" and all US-owned fast-food restaurants through the world will be expected to follow suit.

New Orleans will be shut down for three months pending a review of its status. The city's famous French Quarter will henceforth be known as The Jessica Lynch Quarter and all out-of-date maps destroyed on pain of friendly fire.

"It won't be an easy struggle, but by God we will defeat this evil of French-type things in this great country of ours," said Congressman Lautrec. "Only then will the world realise that we are right and that they are all wrong. Except for Britain of course, which is wrong only sometimes."

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