The Jury's Out: The Rockall legal column

Dear Justice Gorman: I was hoping you could advise me over my recent accident. I was walking down my local high street when I tripped over one of my undone shoelaces. The accident was entirely my own responsibility and I was not injured in any way whatsoever. My question is, can I sue?

Regards, R. Jones, Sussex

My Dear Mr Jones: If you had asked me such a question 10 or even five years ago, I would have sent you on your way with a playful cuff round the ear. However, we are privileged to be living through a revolution in personal accident claim services. Spearheaded by pioneering American lawyers, bold new strides in accident claim legislation have been taken — which mean that just about anybody can sue anybody about anything.

Your only problem is deciding whom to sue. The local council is an obvious target but you may also want to consider suing the manufacturers of your shoes who are likely to have more funds at their disposal. Failing that, sue the shoelace makers or the descendants of the man who originally invented shoes.

Hope this helps, Justice Gorman

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Dear Justice Gorman: I am writing to ask your opinion on a legal action I am considering. I recently hacked off my left arm whilst attempting to trim my nails with a petrol driven chainsaw. A full perusal of the documentation reveals no warning against this kind of activity — an oversight which I find remarkable, especially considering that I also cut off my left foot in a previous nail trimming attempt a few months ago.

Do you think I have a strong case against the chainsaw manufacturer? Mr P. Richards, Bedford

Dear Mr Richards: You are that comparatively rare thing these days, an accident victim with a genuine injury. This will give your case a robustness that few plaintiffs could dream of.

However, given the obvious lack of intelligence displayed by your actions, you may wish to also sue your parents. Parent suing is a relatively new phenomenon that enables one to seek recompense for being passed unsuitable genes down the family tree.

If you choose to go down this route you will be in illustrious company as Prince Charles, George Bush, and most of the Osbourne children are taking similar actions.

Good luck, Justice Gorman