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  Monday 7th April 2003  Information   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Those 'Blue on Blue' reader poll results in full

Bad news for international roving rock pundits
by De Management

Yup, the poll has closed and the votes have been counted by our dedicated team of Rockall adjudicators and the lucky recipient of a concentrated burst of depleted uranium rounds from an A-10 Thunderbolt is none other than international roving rock pundit Bono.

Almost one thousand of you nominated the highly-talented Irishman for a touch of the old friendly fire treatment, otherwise known as the "Baghdad Handshake", and most commonly meted out to hapless British ground forces unlucky enough to be caught in the open, in broad daylight and flying the Union Jack anywhere in southern Iraq.

Actually, we think this is a bit unfair on old Bono, given that he has maintained a dignified silence of late. In fact, he hasn't opined on anything for months. To be frank, we're a bit worried about him. Perhaps an Iraqi humanitarian crisis will lure him out of London's Met Bar long enough to set the world to rights.

In the end, Jacques Chirac could only manage second in the race to suck on some American firepower. The pot-smoking, anti-war politico currently runs a pacifist paradise called France. For the record, this is not the same France which carried out an illegal underground nuclear test in the South Pacific a few years back. Neither is it the same France which sank a Greenpeace boat in Auckland harbour, killing two. No, this is the other, moral and conscience-ridden France horrified by the senseless slaughter of innocents in Iraq. Despite this, no less than 896 of you deemed Chirac a suitable target for "a tragic mistake".

Of course, international man of mass destruction, Ronald Dumsfeld polled a respectable 808, streets ahead of fourth place Clare Short. Despite opposing the war, Short has assured Tony Blair that she will not be leaving her cabinet post as overseas development minister, even if he thinks she should. Well done Clare. Good to see someone is sticking to their high moral principles.

The remainder of our nominations will most likely be disappointed by a lacklustre showing in the poll. Except, that is, for top opera diva Kiri te Kanawa, who only appeared due to a tragic administrative error here at The Rockall Times. We are truly sorry for this terrible misunderstanding and send our condolences to her grieving relatives.

Finally, we have happy Kuwait footing the list with a mere seven votes. Quite right too — who in their right mind would want to see this sun-kissed, fun-loving democracy and its saintly ruling family bombed back to the Stone Age? Not us, that's for sure.

  1. Bono — 934
  2. Jacques Chirac — 896
  3. Don Rumsfeld — 808
  4. Clare Short — 155
  5. Bruce Willis — 57
  6. RAF Tornado — 46
  7. Kiri te Kanawa — 43
  8. North Korea — 40
  9. Sly Stallone — 40
  10. Busload of Syrians — 38
  11. Demi Moore — 37
  12. Turkey — 24
  13. Challenger tank — 20
  14. Saudi Arabia — 20
  15. Kuwait — 7
 Go on then, hard man