Masturbation secret to Woods' golf success

Celebrated golfer and very rich man Tiger Woods has sensationally revealed the secret of his incredible success — a wank before breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In an exclusive interview with The Rockall Times, Woods swears by the onanist routine he has followed since he was 15 years old. "It is an essential, if not the most essential, part of my training," he explained. "It firms up the hand and arm muscles that are absolutely vital for a strong and accurate golf swing. And it helps me concentrate. And go to sleep. And wake up in the morning."

Woods has broken virtually every golfing record but he'd be nothing without his five-finger shuffle, his trainer told us. "He's a natural, I've never seen better — and I have hundreds of videos of professionals from all over the world practising their technique."

The golfer's remarkable technique will also leave him in good stead for pursuing his dream job as a porn star once he retires from golf in 2004, aged just 12.

However, while Tiger's palm-pumping proficiency has only recently cum to light, other golf pros have been aware of the vital link between self-abuse and success on the fairway for years. Golfing journalists have long referred to leading figures as "total wankers", although they have sensitively excluded such remarks from their copy.

Woods is the undisputed champ however, currently leading the PGA tour in spurt-shot accuracy. Using a specially commissioned wipe-clean Winmau bristle dartboard, Woods, Els and close rival Vijay "the Fiji flier" Singh regularly target a bulls eye before teeing off. Tiger's devastating accuracy in this pursuit is thought to explain the unusual number of half-blind male cows on Woods' Texas ranch, as revealed in Stud Owners Weekly in November last year.

There are some disapproving voices amongst the PGA tour however. Davis Love III the father of Davis Love Quattro is not impressed. "Both me and Phil [Mickleson] hate all this jazzing everywhere," he told us. "You should have seen the state of the practice ground at Sawgrass, it's like the marshmallow man scene from Ghostbusters."

Former world champion Nick Faldo sees masturbation as a vital and healthy aspect of the sport however, with it often included in the ceremonies.

"The post event dinner is normally a right sperm fest. We use the runner-up's wife to act as a target, divided up into bunkers, fairway, rough, and of course, the hole," he told us. "In my day, it was always Seve Ballesteros that was master of the game. I've lost count of the number of time I saw him fire off an incredible stroke thinking it would go out of bounds only to see it arc beautifully and land inch-perfect in Jack Nicklaus' wife's mouth — hole in one."