Classified ads 14.04.03

For sale

• Various statues of Saddam Hussein. Some slight cosmetic damage. Suit frenzied mob seeking to avenge decades of repression or eBay collector. Write to: Looting Department, Interim Iraq Chaos plc.
• Selection of baby incubators. Recently stolen in joyful celebration of American liberation. Available with or without babies. Visit: Ebay.com

Lost and Found

• Dictator seeks fanatically devoted population. Not seen since last Tuesday. Some statues also missing. Email: Saddam@Where_Are_They_Now.com
• International coalition desperately seeking weapons of mass destruction. Need at least 50 barrels of Sarin or fledgling nuclear bomb programme. Cash paid. No timewasters. Email: rumsfeld@brownpants.com

Positions Vacant

• Iraq Information Ministry requires new spokesman. Must have an optimistic outlook, a happy smile and own beret. Suit UK spin-doctor or similar. Write to: IIM, Glorious Victory Department.
• Iraqi police force seeks experienced officers. Ba'ath party members welcome. No questions asked. Visit our website at: tortureakurd.com or ring +44-0555-0666 and quote reference "Electrode".

Wanted

• Ageing dictator, who has been killed outright on at least three separate occasions, seeks dramatic backdrop for last stand, preferably with marble bathroom and gold fittings. Write to: S Hussein, PO Box 1, Iraq/Syria/Jordan/Yemen/Sudan.
• UK government seeks new diversion for electorate's attention. Problems requiring glossing over include Railway Network, Manufacturing Recession, Budget Deficit, Fuel Prices, Fox Hunting, Council Tax Rises, Spin Scandals, Asylum Seekers, Congestion Charging, Climate Change, Flooding, Housing Shortage, Roads and Crime. Email: acampbell@guff.gov.uk.