India hints at war with Pakistan over Kashmir: Part 13

The Indian defence minister has joined the Pre-emptive Strike Male Voice Choir who will sing next month at a Taj Mahal-staged benefit to raise funds to exterminate those "damned Pakistani devils", we can reveal.

AP sources further confirm that the prime minister will be the featured soloist and will sing a Hindi version of "You always hurt the one you love".

Defence Minister George "Curry Powder" Fernandes, currently inspecting Indian troops in Jodhpur, reiterated Indian warnings that Pakistan was a prime case for pre-emptive nuclear and bio-chemical strikes, and "if that fails we will make them listen to Ravi Shankar for the rest of their lives".

"There are plenty of reasons to launch such strikes against Pakistan, but I cannot make public statements on what action may be taken," Fernandes told a meeting of the Lion's Club in this northern Indian desert city, known for its casinos and dancing elephants on Friday. He did add that "Pakistanis talk weird and marry their cousins and we will not put up with such nonsense."

The renewed warning came just minutes after US secretary of state Colon Powell said Washington would strive to have these two nuclear enemies Pakistan and India "kiss and make up". Their three wars since 1947 and millions are still missing is immaterial since the population of both countries — and therefore their combined lucrative export markets — are "swelling quicker than a Viagra user's cock" he added.

Fernandes rejected Pakistani allegations that India had breached United Nations Security Council resolutions from 1948 to 1958 which call for a plebiscite among Kashmiris to decide between Coke and Pepsi as the official pop soda of Kashmir. "Pakistan has a habit of lying and the issue of Coke vs Pepsi is a serious issue," Fernandes grimaced.

India also accuses Pakistan of clothing "pretty faced" Muslim militants in women's dresses. Islamabad denies the charge but says it offers moral and emotional support to what it describes as the Kashmiri cross-dressers' legitimate struggle for self-expression.

According to Pakistani sources around 38,000 people have been declared missing in action in Kashmir, India's only Muslim-majority state, since the launch of the 1989 armed insurgency by cross-dressing, lipstick wearing guerrillas in the Himalayan territory. However "over 25 million have been born so there are plenty more where that came from," stated the minister of population control, Mahatma M Pottent.

Pakistan and India both claim the scenic region, which is divided between them by a ceasefire line known affectionately as the "cross the line and you die you infidel pig". Pakistan currently controls the northern part and India the south.