What Not to Loot

It's a sad fact that too often the fall of a brutal dictatorship coincides with a collapse in good taste. For 25 years, the fashion-starved people of Iraq have struggled to create fresh, innovative design statements in the face of sanctions and starvation.

How, then, can the Shias of Basra or the Sunnis of Baghdad be expected to exploit their new-found freedom without proper guidance? What's the point of looting a 1970s beige corduroy sofa if you're trying to create a Baroque-style reception room in downtown Mosul? And how can one possibly embrace Western democracy dressed in burqa and sandals?

Luckily, help is at hand. We have prepared this handy guide which will tell you not only what to loot, but what to wear while looting it. Follow our simple rules and we guarantee that your life will be a better, more fulfilled existence full of good taste and chic. Read on:

Laurence: Oh dear, oh dear. This is exactly what we're talking about: seven guys without one central co-ordinating design concept. It even looks like they're asking the US Marines for a few style pointers. Some hope, what with a rag-bag collection of cardboard and air-conditioning units. Before running out and looting government offices and hospitals, you must ask yourself: "What do I actually need to create effortless chic? Am I working to a theme? Will this X-ray machine compliment my proposed neo-Gothic dining room or not?" And remember, less is more. A few carefully selected accessories will say more about you than a truckload of plastic stacking chairs.

Trinny: I couldn't agree more. The secret to successful looting apparel is practical comfort combined with timeless casual appeal. Mix'n'match is the name of the game here. The guy on the left has got the general idea, but those baggy jeans combined with the classic "Arab Tartan" nylon top is nothing short of a disaster. Remember, you're on television! Last point: going topless on the rampage is an absolute no-no. To me it just says Costa Brava, it says British football hooligan, but above all it says: "I'm too poor to care about my appearance." Urrrrgh.

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Trinny: For the love of all that's holy, darling, what on earth are you wearing? Look at you, you're not more than forty years old and you look like some Home Counties frump. You've got a great body, love, you should use it. Ditch the black and go for an a-line skirt and long-sleeve top combo in aubergine. Let's see some cleavage. You've got a great pair of tits, you should use them. And what about your arse? I'd kill for an arse like that. Get yourself down to the nearest Gap. You're looking for something which is comfortable during the day, but which can also be used for a evening's clubbing. And let's see a bit more hair. You've got to-die-for hair, darling, flaunt it!

Laurence: Hmmm. Love the mosque. Love the minaret. I feel that Islamic could be the new post-modernist Arts-and-Crafts, a bit of a suburban Jihad on jaded Moderne. An "Ayatollah" lemon derinder by Phillipe Starke? Neo-ironic Mohammedan flock wallpaper? Yes, it all makes perfect sense to me now...

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Laurence: Oh no, no, no, no, no. What we're looking at here are the worse excesses of so-called "1970s Albanian Municipal Retro" — a hideous melange of beige, cheap veneered chipboard and, God preserve us, avocado. I mean, that's an avocado office swivel chair, isn't it? The tragedy is, they've got a fantastic authentic peasant lime-washed effect on the walls and hand-worried stone floor, but they've just thrown the furniture into the room without any regard for the overall effect. I can only imagine old mother-in-law's reaction when her well-meaning kids say: "Ok, mum, you can open your eyes now!"

Trinny: Yes, and once again the lads have gone for the tired denim/nylon wing-collar approach. Let's get one thing straight — short sleeves are out for the Summer 2003. Think cool Mediterranean cheesecloth pastels, and pashminas in lavendar or UN sky blue. For formal occasions, accessorise with flak jacket and platinum earrings. And mum, bin the burqa! You've got the body of a twenty-five-year-old supermodel under there. I'd throw myself under a bus to have raised thirteen kids and still have hips like those. Get yourself a bikini and get down to the Baghdad Sheraton pool. You may need to take your own water.

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Trinny: This is fantastic! An effortless triumph of desert combat fatigue with matching webbing and head throw. Who said hats are just for Ascot? I mean, the guy just looks sensational: he's got the body of an eighteen-year-old Marine and he's prepared to use it. What does it say? It says: "I'm comfortable with my body. I'm in control, I'm sassy, I'm trained to kill." Grrrrrrr...

Laurence: Breathtaking and truly original in a pre-post-Gulf-War sort of way. Clean lines and terrazzo elegantly accented with scatter-litter and, brilliantly, mail-order catalogue plastic garden furniture. Fantastic. But what about the piano? As focal points go, they don't come any more focal than a piano. Timeless yet right now, this room is nothing less than a superb trans-kitsch lifestyle statement with not a gold bathroom fitting in sight. Elemental, cathartic, emetic.

Next week:

Gulf DIY 999 Emergency Pet Rescue: Our experts transform the home of a family of Marsh Arabs with a fresh, exciting NYC loft apartment look. Charlie Dimmock dons her gardening burqa to offer our lucky contestants the chance to win a novelty Tariq Aziz fountain with one hundred gallons of real, fresh water!