Classified Ads 21.04.03

For Sale

• Oil fields. Large selection available. Recently liberated from oppressive regime. Comes with several hundred thousand starving people. Can separate. Write to: Iraqi Puppet Government c/o Western Protectorate

Wanted

• Angry mob to bang on side of van. Preferably whilst clutching small children and bellowing obscenities. Must have unshakeable believe that this will improve UK justice system. Write to: Huntley Trial c/o The Old Bailey
• Prominent public figure seeks easy opponent for boxing match. Must appear credible but be incapable of landing a punch. Suit FBU or similar. Frank Bruno need not apply again. Write to: John Uppercot, Downing Street

Positions Vacant

• Government requires new stealth tax. Must have fresh ideas for subtle extraction of money from electorate. Speed Cameras, Council Budget Cuts, IR35, National Insurance, Stamp Duty, Miras and Dividend tax credit need not apply. Email: g.brown@shortfall.gov.uk

Lost and Found

• Terrorist threat missing. Last seen in Iraq. Believed to be in Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia or similar oil-rich country. Email: whos_next@us.army.gov