Dear Dierdre: My wedding photo nightmare!

DEAR DIERDRE: Next Saturday I'm marrying the man of my dreams at Basildon registry office. It's like a fairytale come true, with white Rolls Royce and real Asti Spumante and everything. My mum's even flying in from Marbella with her Spanish waiter boyfriend, just for my special day.

But now I'm worried that big lifestyle magazines will ruin the occasion. I've offered exclusive picture rights to The Basildon Clarion and Advertiser. My best mate Savannah says that if I'm not careful, OK! and Hello! magazines will publish unauthorised photographs first. I saw my auntie Helen reading a copy of OK! just last week and her Jack owns a digital camera.

I just spend all of my time in floods of tears. I feel invaded, raped even. In fact, it's like I've been gang raped and then brutally murdered and dumped naked in the canal with my head cut off, and then my head has been boiled in a big pot on the stove.

Is it right that magazines can put their circulations before an individual's right to privacy? A woman looks forward to her wedding as the happiest day of her life, a time of laughter and joy, not a scene from some Swedish top-shelf publication where the virgin bride is anally violated by the dildo-bearing British media.

What can I do? I'm at my wits' end. Catherine, South Ockenden

DIERDRE SAYS: Sadly, there's very little even top celebrities can do to protect themselves from this kind of heartless intrusion. The courts may help after the event, but it's a bit late when your special day has already been splashed across 18 full-colour pages.

My best advice is to rearrange your wedding so that it falls on the morning of the Basildon Clarion and Advertiser's publication day. That way, you eliminate the possibility of OK! and Hello! magazines launching a pre-emptive issue of unauthorised photographs.

Regarding figures, you can expect to receive around $1m dollars for exclusive picture rights, twice that for topless and "pink" shots.

Have a lovely day, and crack a bottle of Asti for me!

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DEAR DIERDRE: I'm a 56-year-old male paedophile who has spent the last ten years preying on small children in Thailand. Unfortunately, the authorities have been having a bit of a clampdown of late, and now I've been deported for good.

I read on a website that Iraq is currently a good bet. Do you know how Iraqi law currently stands on this? Pete, Bolton

DIERDRE SAYS: Well, there's good news. Iraq normally frowns quite heavily on paedophile activity, but thanks to Britain and the US, there's currently a "No Law Whatsoever" limited-period offer right across the country.

A bit of advice: take US dollars traveller's cheques, drink plenty of water to protect against dehydration, and don't forget to visit the site of Babylon. Specialist site www.paedoology.th is offering combined child sex/archaeology special interest trips to Iraq for just €250 plus taxes and insurance. Their 19 June itinerary includes open-top bus tour of Basra with running commentary by top kids' entertainer Gary Glitter. Enjoy.