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Gazza in Chinese booze bender shame

Reliable footballing star Paul Gascoigne's career was in the balance for the seventh time yesterday after he shamed colleagues in crack Chinese side Pot Noodle FC by consuming several cases of Newky Brown in an eight-hour booze-based bender bonanza.

Speaking to caring reporters when he arrived back at Heathrow Airport, Gazza remained defiant: "It was a one-off, man, I swear. I know I've let my mates down. It'll never happen again. I mean it this time," said the tearful Geordie.

The former Newcastle, Spurs, Lazio, Rangers, Middlesborough, and Everton star had initially done well in China. His first game saw him completing 80 minutes without drinking any alcohol at all and he even scored a goal. When substituted, the crowd roared and Gazza waved tearfully at his new-found fans.

Later, at the post-match banquet, the star player was delighted to hear belching after eating was a sign of good rather that poor taste, and continued to honour his guests to the tune of Fog on the Tyne for a full two hours after the main course.

Within a week, Gazza announced he had found his spiritual home and revealed plans to learn the native lingo. His subsequent appearance on local television then went down in the history books as the most incomprehensible interview in television history, easily surpassing Chris Evans' now legendary questioning of football manager Jack Charlton in 1998.

However, with sad inevitability, Gascoigne slipped into his old self soon after. After one lager-fuelled orgy of drunken rage, during which he punched out two of his teammates, urinated on the club chairman's wife and consumed five dog kebabs in the downtown red-light district, Gascoigne was sent home in disgrace. The unthinkable had happened. Again.

"Ah well, you know, I cannae blame meself too much," he told us in his local Newcastle pub The Drunken Fog on the Tyne. "Besides, there's still well on 40 teams, like, that I haven't played for."

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