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Britain reports first cases of 'Gulf War II™ syndrome'

British doctors have diagnosed what they believe to be the first cases of 'Gulf War II™ syndrome', a previously unknown but potentially fatal malaise.

Less than a week after cessation of hostilities in Iraq, a Swindon GP was called to the house of a 24-year old man at the behest of his concerned and semi-hysterical wife. "I found him on the sofa, where he had apparently been sitting for 14 days, covered in his own urine and excreta," doctor Mohammed al-Saheed told The Rockall Times.

"He was surrounded by empty Pot Noodle tubs and was clearly in a bad way. His wife said that although he had been quite animated, as soon as the last pockets of resistance in Baghdad had been mopped up, he slipped into a sort of semi-coma and has not spoken since."

The man refused treatment, demanding instead immediate live coverage of something being bombed, or an ITN news crew receiving a direct hit from a US missile, or at the very least hysterical coverage of a statue falling to the ground. As a last, desperate plea, the man apparently then begged the doctor for some footage of Kurds looting Mosul, however old the images.

Experts across the country have expressed deep concern that this victim represents the first of many such cases which have hitherto gone undiagnosed. "Many viewers quickly become addicted to live TV coverage of foreign conflicts, no matter how banal," said an authority in media fixation. "It gives them the feeling that they are intimately involved in something important and pivotal. Terrifyingly, this can soon lead to full addiction to videophone footage of tanks firing at ministry buildings, and endless loops of A-10 ground attack aircraft circling high over Tikrit. Pretty quickly, they lose all connection with reality, and are then unable to move from their television sets for fear of missing something exciting."

Medical experts further believe that thousands may also be suffering from the closely-related "Post-traumatic Gulf War II™ syndrome" which is much harder to spot, but equally distressing to the sufferer. A local pub landlord explained: "You get 'em in here after every war — listless men muttering about there being nothing on TV, that's it's all so boring. The joy seems to have gone out of their lives."

The British government yesterday issued a statement completely denying the existence of Gulf War II™ syndrome, but health authorities have drawn up the following checklist for wives and relatives concerned that their loved ones may be affected. Watch out for:

• Intense interest in even the most ill-informed TV pundit
• Statements such as "I'll come to bed as soon as this bit's over. Apparently, the US Marines have just shot a busload of women and children and there's the latest pictures of nothing whatsoever happening in Baghdad"
• Loss of sexual appetite linked directly to keen enthusiasm for the technical minutiae of coalition weaponry
• Deep depression upon the realisation that the shooting is over
• Subsequent all-night vigils in front of Sky News hoping for a suicide bomb attack or US airstrike against Syria

Experts advise that if an individual displays one or more of these tell-tale signs, immediate action is essential. "Rapid rehabilitation into normal society is the best cure. A trip to the supermarket or DIY centre will bring home the sobering fact that real life is just not as exciting as war, and that's the way it's going to be until the US starts on North Korea," offered one visibly-glum GP sitting in the public bar of his local.

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