Classified ads 28.04.03

For Sale: Supersonic plane in choice of liveries.

by Flash Gorman

Build your own nuclear device. A 200-part collection that builds week-by-week to form a fully functional nuclear weapon. Part one available from your newsagent now (includes aluminium tube) for only £1.99. (Normal price £100,000,000). Note: Magazine is only available in Israel, India, North Korea and Pakistan.
Damning evidence from Iraq. Suitable for witch hunts or black propaganda. Choose from a wide variety of styles, including "down the back of the sofa in presidential palace" and timeless classic "found in smoking ruins". Email: exclusives@telegraph.co.uk
Supersonic plane. Choice of French or British liveries. Uselessness forces sale. Recently modified to reduce risk of mid-air explosions. Tax, MOT 'til November 2003, full service record. Would suit nation in search of very fast white elephant. Email: sales@ba.co.uk

Plumbing trainees required. National shortage means 10,000 vacancies available. Applicants must be unable to turn up within two hours of agreed time and have natural propensity for overcharging. Ability to drink own bodyweight in tea a distinct advantage. Email: ohdearitsgoingtocostyoulove@gov.uk

Voters required for local elections. Must be bothered to go to polling station and put their name on piece of paper. NB: Laying down life in fight against enemies of democracy is NOT required. (No tanks to face either)

Schools seek £500 million. Mysteriously vanished. Believed to be in the shape of giant cheque — perhaps written in invisible ink. Last seen in Labour Party manifesto. Children distraught. Reward to finder. Write to NUT (empty pockets department)

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