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Wayne Rooney avoids murder rap red card

Footballing super-tot Wayne Rooney will not face prosecution just because he killed someone illegally Merseyside police have confirmed.

Officials at Everton football club had expressed concern that a conviction and lengthy prison term for the 2012 World Player of the Year would be likely to hinder his future development.

Even with remission for good behaviour, a life sentence would have seen Rooney well into his late teens before being released back into society. By that time the team could have been relegated and Duncan Ferguson back from injury.

The controversy arose after Rooney kicked a man to death in a street near to his home following an argument over whose mountain bike looked cooler. In a subsequent identity parade, witnesses to the gruesome event were apparently able to pick out Rooney from the line-up due to his tell-tale unbuttoned shirt collar, straggly tie and continuous gum chewing.

But lawyers acting for the boy genius produced compelling evidence as to why a prosecution was not necessary: Rooney is a famous sporting star with a big career ahead of him whereas his opponent was a useless, thick lunk from Croxteth unlikely to contribute anything to the advancement of humanity.

Despite Rooney's apparent immunity from prosecution, police have decided to bring the full majesty of the law down on the troubled footballing infant for spitting at Liverpool fans during the recent Merseyside Derby.

"There's no excuse for that sort of behaviour," said PC Degsy Hatton. "It's nasty and anti-social and he's got to learn. Mind you, in my day, it would have been a clip round the ear and no more said. Kids today eh?"

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