Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!

Tonight, as the world faces the terrible threat of annihilation at the hands of the SARS tsunami, The Rockall Times has assembled a top team of international epidemiological pundits to give our readers the facts behind the chilling pandemic.

Imagine this terrifying scenario: a man sneezes in a Hong Kong lift. Ten months later all human life has been wiped from the face of the earth by the fearful mutating supervirus he has unwittingly passed to the other occupants. Not science fiction, but real-time science fact in which the big red line on the mortality projection graph goes off the top of the longest piece of paper ever produced.

It is a plague on a biblical scale. Indeed, our experts advise that after multiplying together all the Old Testament plagues and then adding that figure to AIDS, Ebola, anthrax and flesh-eating necrosis, the SARS doomsday index exceeds even this fearful total by an incredible 700 PERCENT.

What this means to the average parent is that there is a 61 per cent chance that you or your children will be dead before you ever reach the end of this article. Think about it. Actually, put on a face mask first, then think about it.

The effects of this catastrophe cannot be underestimated. Billions will die, hacking up blood from their disease-ravaged lungs. Western democracy will effectively cease to exist as the social infrastructure collapses under the weight of millions of unburied corpses. Even the most conservative of commentators concede that at the very least:

• Coughing Chinamen will not be welcome in lifts for generations to come
• Most children will be born and raised in sealed cupboards to protect them from bands of predatory paedophiles roaming the post-apocalyptic wastelands
• Close-contact professions such as hairdressing, rugby and male prostitution will cease to exist
• It will take humanity 10,000 years to once again reach pre-SARS levels of consumer spending, with tragic consequences for the global economy

However, despite the apparent futility of the exercise, we have prepared this Q&A section to allow readers to fully grasp the threat facing mankind. It may not save your life, but at least you'll die a better-informed, and more rounded human being:

So what's the big deal then?

Well SARS is one of the most serious infectious diseases ever and it's spreading round the world up to 10 times faster than the last serious infectious disease. Many people have caught it already. Hundreds have died and billions more are set to follow.

How is it transmitted?

By Canadians and the tabloid media. Exposure to either means at best uninformed blind panic, at worst a miserable death in an NHS hospital corridor.

What are the symptoms?

That depends on the vector. If you catch it from a Canadian, you'll get flu-like symptoms and difficulty breathing rapidly followed by total death. Infections due to exposure to panic-mongering journalists usually mean an abnormally high level of fretting, worrying and nail-biting developing over a period of days into mild panic, fear of all forms of mass transit and a desire to stockpile essential groceries.

What's the survival rate?

Around four per cent of those infected die immediately. This rises to around 94 per cent among the especially vulnerable — the very young, very old or infirm, and those prone to running around like a headless chicken when they read that someone in Beijing has caught a cold.

And if you're lucky enough to survive?

You get to be interviewed on TV about the whole thing. If there are any TV crews still alive.

Okay, what does SARS stand for?

Seasonally Affected Regional Syndrome.

Why doesn't it sound as scary as Ebola?

The World Health Authority admits that since AIDS and flesh-eating necrosis, it has been struggling to maintain its high standard of catchy, scaremongering monikers and acronyms. SARS just appeared so quickly, they didn't have time to call it something really sinister.

That's a real shame

Isn't it?

Yes. So where did this SARS come from?

China. You know, in the Far East, where all these odd diseases start.

All of them?

Well, except for the ones that start in Africa. Like AIDS and Ebola.

Why China?

The Chinese have been working hard over the last ten years to knock Africa off the top of the world pandemic propagating superleague. Apparently, China's peasants have pulled off a blinder this time.

The peasants?

Yes. In China they live in the same house as their animals. Somehow the disease must have transferred itself from swine to humans.

But how?

Scientists reckon the people and the animals live in pretty intimate proximity.

How intimate?

Use your imagination.

But how for the love of all that's holy did SARS break out from a Chinese swineherd's peasant lovenest?

Oh come on, you must know the facts by now: isolated outbreak, blah blah, wrongly diagnosed, blah blah, increased mobility in China, blah blah, man sneezing, blah blah, rapid spread, blah blah, teeming cities, blah blah, poor medical facilities, blah blah, government cover-up, blah blah, foreign tourists, blah blah, Toronto...

Toronto? You must be joking

No, really. Some woman from the city went on a holiday to see the Great Wall and brought the disease back with her. Within fifteen minutes of her arrival at Toronto airport eight million Canadians were infected. According to the WHO, that is.

Are we supposed to believe that?

Hmmmm. The Mayor of Toronto insists there's no problem.

Isn't he the guy called Lastman?

Yes — chilling co-incidence, eh?

Gosh. It all sounds pretty grim. Shouldn't we be worrying about it over here in Britain?

Not really. The government says that as long as you take the following precautions, you'll be fine:

• Buy a paper mask and wear it at all times. The SARS virus is four centimetres long and cannot penetrate the coarse weave of the mask
• As an added precaution, breath as little as possible, and preferably not at all
• Panic buy petrol, flour, sugar, gaffer tape and plastic sheeting
• Use the tape and plastic sheeting to seal your designated "safe room". Once inside the room, do not leave until the tabloid newspapers lose interest in the disease. Under NO circumstances leave the room and fly to Canada

Is all this really necessary? Surely our immune systems are more robust than the Canadians. After all, we've been ingesting BSE for years. Hey, I remember BSE. It was going to kill millions of us. Whatever happened to it?

Remember, apocalyptic killer superviruses are most effectively treated by the introduction of a newer, more interesting threat into the news chain. Who talks about that flesh-dissolving ultrabacteria now, eh?

So that's how best to attack the SARS virus?

Yes. Scientists say it will take up to 12 years to develop an effective agent to fight the virus, by which time everyone on the planet will already be dead. The only hope is that the Africans can unearth a new plague which will wipe SARS from the face of the media.

What are our chances?

If you reached the end of this article without coughing once, you may have a few days left. Use them for some quality time with your kids. They'll be dead soon, as will you.