Subtract maths from curriculum, teachers demand

The national strikers union — the NAS/UWT — has called for the scrapping of the necessity for all schoolchildren to study for a maths qualification at the age of 16.

In a powerful speech to members who would have undoubtedly have been rapt had they not been somewhere else "preparing lessons", their leader set out his vision of a life of lessons free from algebra, Venn diagrams and probability theory. Lunch and coffee breaks would not be affected he promised, slamming his board rubber forcefully onto the podium to make the point.

"To expect children in this day and age to be able to do stuff with numbers is completely unreasonable," he explained. "I know most teachers can't. Besides what's the point? Come to think of it, what's the point of school at all? Come on, I'm off for a fag behind the bike sheds."

According to the union's innovative plan, resources would instead be ploughed into more "happening" subjects. These include: Asylum seeker studies, mobile phone fascia design, and training to become a television cookery programme extra in a Jamie Oliver kitchen.

The union provided journalists with a fully costed plan to retrain the few remaining maths teachers to take the new subjects instead. To those who claimed that the plan's figures "don't add up" he retorted: "Well they wouldn't would they? I failed my sums O-Level. Twice."

However, there have been moves to counter the union's strategy from the notorious "Maths Can Be Fun" organisation. At a press conference fronted by a woman in milk-bottle glasses and a cord jacket with elbow patches, MCBF maintained that: "If taught properly, children will really, really enjoy mathematics. It's great. Let me show you some exciting long division."

At this point that our reporter was sent to the Head for talking at the back while comparing his new Nokia fascia with the bloke from the Times Educational Supplement. Both received two weeks' detention.