World Health Organisation declares Rockall world's last SARS-free outpost

The increasingly dire situation the world faces from the SARS epidemic was made clear yesterday when officials at the World Health Organisation declared Rockall to be the last confirmed place on earth completely free of the disease.

When the killer bug started sweeping through such Third World outposts as China's inland provinces, the highlands of Cambodia and the business district of Toronto a sense of panic began to grip the world. This alarm was not moderated by a WHO report on the disease entitled You're All Going To Die Real Soon. Now practically everywhere faces the prospects of dropping like Bill Clinton's flies.

However, there is one bright spot in a very, very dark sky. Declaring themselves "very impressed" by the Rockall health authorities' handling of the SARS threat, WHO pleaded with other countries to follow their lead.

Immigration authorities on Rockall have a policy of only admitting those "who can demonstrate that they have the kind of skills that we need". So far not one person has successfully limboed under the immigration bar. As a result, SARS has so far been kept at bay, although AIDS is rampant.

"Before anyone is allowed to set foot on Rockall they must convince us they can contribute to our economy. Since we have no economy that is a pretty high hurdle to jump," explained Dr Ed Moses from his office on a boat in the north Atlantic.

Furthermore, epidemiologists last night expressed concerns over the expected arrival in July of the intrepid challengers intending to land on the grey and unpleasant land that is Rockall in the name of "chariddy".

The joint leaders of the foolhardy expedition, Admiral Lester McCarthy and Rear-Admiral Kieren Haines, have promised that, despite the ever-present risk of Ebola and genital herpes, they will not be swayed from their planned voyage. Could they be the outsiders who will introduce SARS to the land of guano and allow it to cut a swathe through the natives' health like a power drill through runny margarine?

"Whatever the risks, it is vital that we go," they told the thousands of reporters gathered at the Millennium Stadium to hear the weekly update on their progress in obtaining the necessary boat, landing gear and Fair Isle sweaters. "We've promised the organiser of our appeal for kids with only two arms that we'll raise a large amount of money and there's no way we'd let a decent chap like George Galloway down."

Editorial note

The author of this piece is at present unsplicing hemp rope in the brig awaiting a keelhauling and a touch o' the cat.