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Winnie Mandela signs for Manchester United

The footballing world was this week rocked to the very under-pitch heating on which the hallowed turf of Old Trafford stands as Sir Alex Ferguson announced that he was replacing Madrid-bound David "Golden Bollocks" Beckham with battling midfield veteran Winnie Mandela.

The shock move — which has stunned the soccer pundits even more than the disinterment of Trevor Brooking to oversee West Ham's relegation from the Premiership — allegedly involves Sir Alex Ferguson approaching the South African authorities and offering them "a nice drink" to free Ms Mandela from her five-year jail sentence for fraud and having a face that looks like road kill.

Apparently, though, the authorities agreed to release her for free, noting that "we haven't this much trouble since Stan Collymore punched Ulrika Jonsson at a Sun City gala benefit for Eugene Terre Blanche".

The audacious bid is viewed by many United fans as a last ditch attempt by Ferguson to win the Champions' League one last time before he is ceremonially burned aboard a replica Viking vessel in Manchester's revitalised dockside quarter. Sticking to his tried-and-trusted 5-6-7 formation, Sir Alex will place "Our Win" at the centre of his midfield, alongside Keane, Scholes, Butt, Giggs and other new signing Sinead O'Connor. Ms O'Connor appears on a free transfer from the record industry, having failed to secure a permanent contract for her own particular musical talents.

One bonus for Ferguson is said to be the 150 bodyguards Winnie takes with her everywhere she goes, even to the toilet. Although generally sociable, these minders tend toward the downright violent at times, and this has found particular approval with the Jean Claude Van Damme of soccer, Roy Keane.

Fear of bloody reprisals will allow Winnie a free passage toward goal every time she gets the ball. Any attempt to tackle the battling Mandela will most likely result in a South African "Red Card" for the culprit: being burned alive in a tower of Pirellis.

Ms Mandela is reportedly pleased at this new career move which offers her £85,000 per week and unlimited use of a Mini Cooper. Her prospects had looked bleak after Mandela FC went into liquidation following huge revenue shortfalls and close investigation into operating irregularities by the South African police.

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