Classified ads 05.05.03

For Sale

• Greek statues. Choice of four. Legal costs forces sale. Suit someone who is not prepared to closely examine them. Make ideal wig stands. Write to: Elton John Plc (Extravagant spending department rooms 100–607)

Positions vacant

• News website requires experienced apostrophe placer. Must be to able insert punctuation marks in such a way as to enable an 'obviously libellous headline' to be published. Write to: 'Dodgy stories' at BBCi.

Wanted

• Idea for new forms of spam. Viagra, Penis Enlargement, Breast Enlargement, Breast Reduction, Tax Savings, Teens on Web Cam, Get a Credit Card and Girls in Your Town Wanting a Hot Date need not apply again. Email: Everyone whose address you can get.

Lost and found

• House prices rises, missing believed stalled. Last seen mid-March. Desperately needed for dinner party conversations. Email: burst-bubble@estateagents.com

Services Offered

• Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? Have you a cast-iron legal case that could not possibly fail? Do you want us to take a large cut from your settlement? Are you, in short, rather stupid? PLease get in touch. Email: fleece.me@ambulance-chasers-direct.co.uk.