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Vote for your greatest ever Rockallian

News that a version of the BBC's Greatest Ever Briton is to take place on Rockall has raised interest on the barren lump to new heights.

Producers of what will be Rockall's very own television service are convinced there is a huge market for this kind of rubbish, with 32 of 34 versions of the mindless format show being officially described as "successful" by Marketing Week.

While voting will not be confined to those who are permanent residents in order to maximise revenue, only men and women who have contributed to the history of Rockall can be voted for. As with the German version, support for Adolf Hitler is not permitted.

There were to have been five sections — political leaders, scientists, artists, public servants, and entertainers — but this has now been revised down to one: people who have ever seen Rockall in real life.

This criteria has produced a manageable shortlist of 18, although producers plan to reduce that to the magic number seven and stick in a blonde slapper who will be contractually obliged to get wet every day until the end of the show. Princess Diana's agent refused to confirm whether she had been approached.

"I'm really looking forward to it," one TV viewer told us. "I really hope that that one out of that programme, you know, wins. Great."

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