Jubilation over IDS electoral vote of confidence (Pub-friendly) [The Rockall Times]

There was ecstasy at Conservative Central Casting this week after the results of the local elections trickled in. Independent analysts, paid for from Tory leader Duncian Smith's pocket, said that what had happened clearly vindicated his strategy, whatever it was.

As party workers danced in the early morning rain to the tune of Things Can Only Get Wetter a fired-up Duncan emerged from his campaign room to punch the air with delight and ask all those present to arrange "the mother of all parties".

"We're on our way back now," he screamed, alluding to the Tory gain of Trumpton Pond council (in coalition as junior partner to the BNP) and the success of Orkney West where a candidate received the first Conservative vote there for over 50 years.

Psephological experts were slightly more guarded saying only: "This may be the turning point. He may last until Thursday now before Ken Clarke isn't elected leader."

The Conservative Party chairwoman later told us over a glass of Bollinger and a plate of lamb passanda: "It's fantastic. I'm over the moon. Now if we can just ditch the whispering slaphead, we stand a chance in a real election."