UK courts green light police-assisted suicide

Great news for depressed and terminally ill

by Lester Haines

Britain's courts this week gave the go-ahead for a radical voluntary euthanasia scheme whereby the terminally depressed or ill could present themselves for swift termination by armed police officers.

The breakthrough follows the verdict on the shooting of Michael Malsbury, 62, who died after emerging from his flat with a revolver shouting "Better get your guns out lads. I'm coming out." The inquest jury declared the incident suicide.

The ruling has been welcomed by voluntary euthanasia organisations who have until now had to travel to Switzerland to dispatch their loved ones to the hereafter. "I've got motor neurone disease," said one man who has battled for years for the right to die in the UK. "Until now, I had the prospect of ending my days in a Berne clinic looking at a cuckoo clock and nibbling on chocolate while a deadly cocktail of chemicals was fed into my arm via a drip. Now, all I have to do is barricade myself in my flat, threaten to shoot my wife and come out guns blazing. Marvellous."

Police have, however, warned that all potential suicides must follow a strict protocol. "We don't just shoot people willy-nilly for the fun of it," noted an officer from the Met's armed response unit. "Remember, it's got to stand up later in court."

Accordingly, the Met and assisted suicide campaigners have drafted a set of guidelines for those wishing to cast off this mortal coil in a hail of bullets:

• Be absolutely certain that you really want to die before alerting the authorities. Wasting police time is a serious offence.
• Allow officers time to talk you out of it. This is important for legal reasons. A seige is ideal.
• Likewise, make sure officers are absolved of any responsibility by leaving at least one explicit suicide note. Try: "I said I would die for you. Good luck with your life". Other legally admissible notes can be found on www.copper-toppers.co.uk
• Wave a gun at all times, and threaten to use it. A replica is fine or, failing that, a novelty gun cigarette lighter. Failing that, a bright yellow plastic water pistol. Failing that, just form your fingers into a gun shape and shout "bang".
• Most importantly, you must emerge from the building at some point waving said weapon and hollering "You'll never take me alive copper!" If you're in a wheelchair, ask a loved one to kick you onto the street at the appropriate moment.

The new scheme has led campaigners to hope that the police force might in the future be tasked with other socially-useful roles, such as solving burglaries. "We'll have to wait and see what the courts decide on that," cautioned one bobby hiding behind the bushes on the A12 with a radar gun. "It could put a terrible strain on resources."