192: A nation mourns

With the demise of the 192 Directory Enquiries number, there is mounting concern that Britain's phone users may never again be able to safely call up in search of the number for A1 plumbers of Catford.

In the interest of providing the public with a better service, the old-style Directory Enquiries is being closed down. It will be replaced by 120,000 competing firms all offering the same service for nine times the price. But more. Much more.

"There are many things to consider when choosing a company to call to get a phone number," gushed excited junior PR account manager Kelly Blonde, "such as ambience, tone, fashion, brand-awareness and ergonomics. This is a real-time mission-critical task for most people. We want to be certain that we're delivering the maximum level of ergonomic comfort to all our customers."

She continued: "According to our research, actually getting the right number is pretty low down the priority list for most people. Figures show that 90 per cent of people calling in are actually looking for a more fulfilling telephonic experience. Many are just lonely and simply want to talk to someone who will not hang up on them after 30 seconds. For those people, we're going to make Directory Enquiries a fun experience so that they will visit us again and again. Giving out telephone numbers is not a priority."

Innovations to boost that all-important repeat business include giving out incorrect numbers in the first place, putting callers on hold to listen to hours of Coldplay and promising "Buy One Get One Free" tempters to regular customers.

The deregulation has already entertained consumers with a bewildering range of highly-amusing television adverts clearly aimed at the lucrative youth market.

Talk of the town is the "Don't ring them, ring us" campaign masterminded by advertising strategy boutique Adthrust! on behalf of Wow Directories!. The 30-second commercial — featuring two superheroes dressed as numbers who are able to save a baby from a burning building while a rival service struggles to locate the emergency services and therefore kills the baby — extols the benefits of the Wow! service, especially its "Ask now and pay nothing for 4 years" premium rate gold service and the groundbreaking "Three-for-one" promotion. The latter offers enquirers not only the number requested, but also the numbers of the two closest telephones "in case the person you're trying to get hold of is not in", as one fired-up executive standing next to a flip-chart explained patiently to The Rockall Times. "Yeah!" he added, punching the air in the manner of tennis superstar Tim Henman.

And, for a small fee, Wow! will keep subscribers' details on file and ring them at regular intervals to make sure that they have not inadvertently forgotten to request an essential number, while simultaneously suggesting a free, no obligation, double glazing consultation.

We tried to ring the Wow! head of marketing this morning for more details of his company's 21-st century multi-media service, but sadly his own call centre were unable to locate his extension. "I can give you the number of maintenance if you like," sighed a minimum wage single mother in the Wow! callcentre in Llandudno. "Then if the head of marketing's photocopier breaks down they can give him a message to call you back while they're up there. Since you're on the line anyway, can I tell you about our low APR Wow! credit card. If you just give me your home address, I'll get someone to pop out to see you. He can tell you about our range of conservatories while he's there..."