Pagan gods back on top of deity A-list

A recent survey by Truth Seeker magazine has revealed a surprise increase in the number of pagans in Britain.

The phenomenon is believed to be behind a ten-fold increase in sales of cheap pewter jewellery and a depleted chutch attendance dwindling still further.

One of the reasons given for this religious about face is a desire for more hands-on gods who are prepared to take a personal interest in their followers. Christians for instance have waited over 2,000 years since the last re-incarnation of Christ, with nothing more than a few statues and bagel-based Mother Teresa likenesses to keep them going.

The Rockall Times spoke to Thor the Thundergod, currently appearing in a visitation at Scunthorpe leisure centre, along with the Seth The Serpent God of Egypt. Like most pagan gods, Thor has been eeking out a living on the minor deity tour circuit. Dragging reflectively on a woodbine, Thor gave us his view of the pagan revival.

"The thing about your modern gods is that their operations have got too big," noted the Nordic legend amid the crackle of static electricity and smell of pickled herring. "Look at 'God' for instance, he's just running a franchise business now. He hasn't appeared in public for an epoch. Since I run a much smaller operation, I can be much more hands on. Believe me, when I smite someone, they fuc*king well stay smitten."

The Internet is another key factor in the pagan revival. Demographics reveal the average pagan to be overweight and socially retarded. Inexplicably, despite advocating the benefits of a simple earth-centric life style, they are nearly always big Star Trek and Star Wars fans. When coupled with a tendency to dress like a cast member of a poorly budgeted Robin Hood film, it can be appreciated that most pagans tend to leave the house as little as possible.

The advent of the Internet has therefore unshackled these worthy individuals and enabled them to converse with fellow pagans from the safety of their own bedrooms. They can spend contented hours discussing the finer points of "Wiccan" and "Hedge Witches" whilst still being able to stretch out their podgy fingers for a delicious toasted snack.

On the rare occasions our pagan chums venture, blinking, into the daylight — they will invariably cluster around the nearest large tree and take turns to invent "handfasting" ceremonies for each other. If you encounter one of these groups, it is wise to keep moving, as at some point they will drink mead which leads inevitably to the strumming of harps.

The pagan resurgence has not proved popular with the conventional church however. We spoke Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, the head of the UK Catholic Church, who warned us of the dangers of paganism. He told us that many pagans dressed in outlandish costumes and performed sinister rituals. He further insinuated that children may be at risk from pagans — a chilling thought.

We had hoped to hear more from the Cardinal but he unfortunately had a busy schedule that day and soon left clutching his ornate sceptre and large golden hat.

He was due to perform mass — where he would turn wine and bread into the body and blood of Christ — and was also scheduled to make a guest appearance at a paedophile trial later the same day.