Rotherham promotion threatens very foundations of Rugby Union

For the second year running, a group of illiterate whippet-owning ex-miners from Rotherham are set to cause upset and chaos in the ruling circles of the noble 15-man game.

Unable to take the hint last year — that they are not wanted and never will be in the Premier League of Rugby Union — the bog-basic Yorkshire side has unconscionably won promotion again.

Pink faced men in Hackett kit were last night spluttering into their gin and tonics while desperately attempting to formulate a plan that will allow the clean-shaven and square-jawed blonde Aryans of relegated Bristol to play on in the top flight next season.

Nervously holding their rolled flat caps before them in the time-honoured gesture of obeisance, directors of the northern club have promised a programme of ground re-development, financial prudence, and unlimited forelock-tugging if they allowed onto the hallowed turf of the RU Premier League. Their chairman has even gone on the record to say that he will "never keep racing pigeons again" if the sacrifice weighs in his club's favour.

Indeed, Rotherham are thought to have agreed to all of the RFU's demands, including:

• Seats
• Turf to replace the traditional playing surface of hardened steel slag and cinders
• One clearly marked disabled parking slot outside the ground
• No pork scratchings or black pudding to be carried to away fixtures
• An end to the tradition of throwing players with career-threatening injuries down disused mine shafts

But it seems that their carefully-costed plans — as meticulously devised over hundreds of pints of headless warm beer by Wiggins, Coalface & Grimethorpe of Doncaster — may come to naught.

"We can't help feeling that Rotherham should go back to playing Rugby League as God intended," huffed Sir Charlie Street-Walker from a hastily erected RFU crisis control centre in the saloon bar of a pub opposite Twickers. "This Union business is a pretty big commitment, you know. We wouldn't want their chaps to compromise their post-redundancy retraining as call-centre operatives by dashing all over the country to play rugger. It's all for the best, I'm sure you'll agree."