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The new UK toll motorway: What every parent should know

News that the UK's first toll motorway, the M26, will be ready to open in the Midlands in a couple of months' time has fuelled hopes that a new golden age of motoring is to dawn on the UK — an age of laughing families gliding their MPVs effortlessly down the rainbow-arched tarmac ribbons of Albion.

"The prospect of the open road is once again in before us," enthused the head of a large asphalt producer. "For too long now we have had a fixation in this country with railways. It's an obsession with the past, with redundant technologies. Technologies which require far too little asphalt."

The public's response to the new thoroughfare has been described as "nothing short of hysterical". Indeed, the revelation that the pay-per-drive road will bypass Birmingham provoked spontaneous street parties as far away as Aberystwyth.

Well, that's lovely. But for the 97 per cent of the UK's population who live within three miles of Trafalgar Square, how will the M26 work and of what use will it be to you? Here, The Rockall Times (Home Counties edition) gives you a step-by-step insight as to how your life will be enhanced beyond all recognition:

Step 1: Get in your car and set off to cover the two miles to the M25.

Step 2: Three hours later reach M25.

Step 3: Head up the M1 towards "The North".

Step 4: Stop at Watford Gap service station to buy jumbo plastic bottle of Lucozade, pack of tuna and banana sandwiches (on whole crust black bread) and set of pre-pay "toll" tokens for the M26.

Step 5: Allow self a momentary frisson of excitement at prospect of first sight of hassle-free "Highway of Hope".

Step 6: Join M26 along with 100,000 others. Lose first token at automatic booth which then malfunctions. Try to contact human help via intercom but when that fails edge your vehicle over the twenty lanes of cars paying cash and glide effortlessly to the "Help Desk". Incur on-the-spot fine for "unlicensed stupidity".

Step 7: Pay £11 (due to your SUV being classified as a lorry) and enter motorway. Immediately join end of 10-mile long traffic jam and spend four stationary hours watching 30-mph "advisory" speed limit sign triggered by the road surface having been found to be "structurally unsound".

Step 8: During your unscheduled halt, take advantage of the hard shoulder trolley service of "light snacks and refreshments" run by Virgin Trains. Using your "special discount" card (given to all travellers as compensation for "the expected unexpected delays on motorway") avail yourself of the chance to buy coffee for under £2 a cup.

Step 9: Call Radio 5 to tell Nicky Campbell just how awful the toll motorway is. Find traffic begins moving the moment you get through live on air. And stops the moment you come off it.

Step 10: Exit toll motorway at record-breaking speed of 35 mph and try to catch up with your colleagues and friends who have taken the M6.

Step 11: A week later, receive speeding ticket for travelling at 35 mph while exiting M26.

Step 12: A week after that, vow never again to travel on Britain's roads. Sell car, and buy annual rail season ticket for £11,000.

Step 13: Three days later, die when commuter express collides with freight train due to inadequate track maintenance. Advise wife via Ouija board to move to Norfolk and buy bicycle.

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