Those Premiership transfer plans in full

With the Premier League season already dead and buried thoughts are turning to which players will be going where during the few days allocated to cricket between the FA Cup Final and the start of the European Football Shirt Revenue Premiership in July.

Using our excellent contacts built up over years of mingling with the stars, The Rockall Times can now reveal the main plans of the major clubs.

Manchester United

Intend to buy a new keeper, new central defender, a couple of new midfielders and a new striker. And maybe another couple of defenders. And maybe someone else. And a new reserve keeper. Estimated spending power: £600m. Alex Ferguson is still hopeful of setting up a new 10-year deal with David Beckham and will then leave the England captain on the bench for every game except those in the Worthington Cup.

Fabien Barthez will be kept but made to promise never to dribble the ball ever again. Poised to sign 12-year-old Nicaraguan wonder-kid Daniel Ortega who will join in a blaze of publicity and then leave in three years' time never to be heard of again before being found dead in a drug-filled Mexico City hotel room at the age of 25.

Arsenal

After the disappointment of finishing second, the Gunners have to deal with the problem of how to do this against next season. They are near to signing a new deal with Patrick Vieira on how he will conduct himself via the media in the post-season when angling for a salary raise. Wenger remains hopeful of motivating his side for another "undefeated" season. A priority will be to sign in-form stars Seaman, Keown and Bergkamp to new, long-term contracts; "the spine of my side", warbles Wenger.

Chelsea

Top priority is to replace keeper Carlo Cuddicini who may be heading back to Italy. With money worries, the Blues are expected to move for ex-Aston Villa star Mark "The Fat Cat" Bosnich who is available on a free transfer from the local drug rehabilitation clinic. His demands of £42k a week plus as much coke as he can ingest are unlikely to be a problem.

Liverpool

Gerard Houllier is expected to make a move for bargain basement French stars so piss-poor that even Arsene Wenger isn't interested. Rumours of discontent in the camp after another season of underachievement have been dismissed after Houllier pointed out that players such as Carragher, Smicer and Heskey could "in no sense be said to have under-achieved".

Newcastle

Everyone's favourite pensioner is all set to continue for another season with Britain's top crop of young stars. Robson may make a move for Ronaldo who — according to the Newcastle Slag — has always wanted to play "near to the Tyne".

West Ham

Will be selling everything, including players, stadium and the boardroom furniture. Bargains galore at the Upton Park liquidation sale, next Sunday 2.00pm. Expect to pay around £5m for a sobbing Italian who "would never leave the club I love. Never".

Everyone else

All the other teams who will make up the Premiership next season are reported to be buying and selling players in anticipation of the campaign. Not widely reported, obviously, since they only feature in the league to make up the numbers. Except West Ham, who will be making up the numbers somewhere else.