Trevor Phillips' TV social engineering fiasco ends in tears

The brave social engineering experiment involving ex-broadcaster Trevor Phillips has been declared a failure after yet another unsavoury incident concerning the main participant.

Phillips shot to fame when he arranged for an underprivileged youngster to swap the mean streets of south London for the refined atmosphere of an exclusive public school in the beautiful Somerset countryside.

Having achieved his main aim — that of having used the boy to score a television ratings hit — Phillips was only mildly disheartened when the teenage Ryan Bell's boorish antics led to him being kicked out.

But buoyed up by the initial success of that idea, Phillips moved on to try something even more extreme and less plausible: seeing if a money-fixated Tony crony could fit in at a serious public service organisation such as the Commission for Racial Equality.

Using his networking skills with the New Labour establishment, Phillips was able to arrange for himself to be made chairman to see if a transformation of heroic proportions in his personality was possible.

"Quite frankly it was the sort of thing that would have been inconceivable even a generation ago," the mild-mannered egotist commented. "Until recently the only type of people who could have expected to get such an appointment were those with some idea of what they were doing and without overly-close links to the ruling party. I see my appointment as a sign of the evolution in overcoming needless discrimination."

Many commentators were happy to represent Phillips' selection as a sign of progress towards making Britain "a nation more at ease with influence-peddling".

And the initial reactions of those who would be working for him were positive. "When Trevor arrived here we really hoped he'd settle in," one CRE staffer told The Rockall Times, "and would take us forward into the 23rd Century. We thought, despite his never have done anything more worthwhile in his past than Weekend World and the London Programme, he really might be up for it."

Their hopes were to be cruelly dashed. Alas it seems that the ghosts of his past — when he made his fortune providing comfort and solace to the New Labour hierarchy as well as many millions in passing for himself — could not be so easily overcome.

Before long, Phillips had nothing useful to say at the CRE and was reduced to counting his money and fulminating about family injustices. Reports spoke of his increasingly irrelevant pronouncements culminating in the complaints over his daughter being refused admission to Bristol University despite receiving a starred-D in needlework.

Now the calls for him to leave the CRE and return to being a close associate of Greg Dyke are ever louder. Old friends we contacted have confessed they "never thought Trevor could really change" and have spoken of their hopes that he will not lose touch with his roots again.

Last night Phillips refused to comment on the matter stating simply: "I've had enough of this criticism. I'm off to watch some cricket and have a few drinks." Ryan Bell told us: "I knew he was useless."